


When Day Met Night // Phan

by Ihateeveryone2002



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: Friendship/Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-07-29 05:55:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 32,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16258034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ihateeveryone2002/pseuds/Ihateeveryone2002
Summary: Dan Howell isn't exactly the happiest person, and that is proven true one fateful evening. That particular evening, he's sure his life will come to an abrupt end.But his plans are halted by a stranger called Phil Lester, a man who understands the way Dan thinks far better than he lets on.





	1. One

It was dark, but not quite dark enough to consider it pitch black. Instead it was the kind of dark that Dan Howell found peace of mind in, the lack of light not provoking fear, but happiness. It was one of the only things that could cause this emotion these days, and Dan sometimes thought that it was the only thing keeping him going in this thing we call life. 

Dan was sat in a children's playground, sitting on the rusty swing, which only moved with the gusts of wind. This was the first place Dan could think of when he had been kicked out; why he'd come here instead of finding somewhere to spend the night, he didn't know. 

He didn't care, either. 

He sat, his head hanging so the only thing he could see was the gravel beneath him, crunching under his old trainers. He felt utterly hopeless; he had no one to turn to, nowhere to go. Wouldn't it be easier to just end it all now?

He knew there was a bridge over a lake about a mile away.

Dan had felt this way for a while now, but he'd never told anyone; he didn't want to be a burden. He hadn't even told his dad. But at the same time, he was terrified of the void that was death. He'd often pondered it; how no one actually knew what happened after your life inevitably ended. What scared him most was that time would carry on without him, like he never existed, as selfish as he thought that sounded. 

But he'd made his mind up; he had nothing left to lose. He looked down at the backpack he'd hastily thrown together, only containing two t-shirts, a hoodie and a pair of jeans. He was already wearing his black denim jacket, though it was worn out after years of use. Similarly, the jeans he was wearing were ripped at the knees. He looked up, telling himself he'll reconsider if there was someone here, but even after checking three times, there was no one, only the occasional bird flying overhead.

He stood up, shrugging the bag on, even though there was really no point. Maybe he'd leave it at the bridge when he jumps. 

About halfway there, it started raining, slowly at first, getting heavier as time wore on, though Dan didn't care, if anything, he walked slower. 

How did it come to this? 

Why did he have to tell dad he was gay? Thinking back on it, he could've avoided the conversation altogether, dad didn't have to know. 

The disappointment on his dad's face was temporary, quickly turning into rage, the rage leaving cuts and bruises on Dan's body. The words he said, too. Dan shivered just remembering it, the ice injected in every syllable stabbing him in the chest. 

Finally, Dan approached the bridge, the area quiet as if it was completely detached from regular civilization. It was a cobblestone bridge, only meant for pedestrians, but it was relatively high up. The aforementioned lake was a murky brown colour, though the light from the moon reflecting off the surface almost made it beautiful. 

Dan sat on the bridge wall, placing his bag on the ground behind him, before checking his watch to see it was 9:54. 

Dan Howell was going to die at 10 o'clock on the 23rd of May 2014. 

He looked up at the now star-filled sky, the meaning behind each constellation lost with time, though that didn't stop them from being remarkably beautiful. With each breath he took, Dan was aware he was one closer to his last, each minute dragging by increasingly slowly the closer the time came. 

As he stared at the abyss far below him, he thought about how much happier he'd be without having to subject the world to his presence, subconsciously shifting himself closer to the edge.

"Wait!" 

A clear, panicked voice pierced the silence of the night, the echo ringing out like a ghost. Startled, Dan glanced to his right to see a tall figure running towards him, and as it came closer, he could see a look of genuine concern lacing the stranger's features; something he hadn't seen in years.

Suddenly, Dan felt a pair of hands holding onto his shoulders, though they weren't forcibly pulling him back to sturdy ground, instead, they were simply keeping him steady. 

"Leave me alone" Dan said, but there wasn't an ounce of him that wanted this stranger to listen to him. The man didn't comply, but to Dan's surprise, he hitched himself over the wall to sit next to him. Dan studied the man carefully, gauging whether he could be trusted just by his appearance. The man had dark black hair, a fringe sweeping over the right side of his face. His eyes were an odd combination of blue, green and yellow, reminding Dan of the ocean. These eyes were definitely more interesting than Dan's own muddy brown ones. 

"So something tells me you're not here to do some late night fishing" the man said, looking at Dan in the eyes, as if trying to convey his concern with a single look. 

"Well, why are you here?" Dan replied. The other simply laughed humourlessly, turning his head forwards again.

"I like to come out to the quieter areas to clear my head when the city gets too much for me." Dan nodded, able to relate to this way of thinking, but he didn't say anything. The air around the two men was getting colder by the second, and Dan shrunk into his jacket.

"I came here at the right time, though?" The man asked softly, nudging the other so he couldn't pretend to ignore him. Dan simply nodded, though he found more comfort in the man's words than he cared to admit. Dan had been deprived of love as a child, one of the most important things a person like him would need to thrive. His mother had died when he was only five, leaving his father in a state of depression, meaning he didn't give Dan the affection he needed. And now... It was pretty clear what his father thought of him. 

The man sitting next to him was showing kindness, and that was enough to cause a single tear to fall from his left eye. 

"Yes." Dan said quietly, looking back down at the water below him, where he would've surely fallen to his death had this man not stopped him. 

"Do you have anywhere to go?" He asked, and Dan shook his head. He was ashamed enough of the fact he had still been living with his dad up until now, it was something else to admit he had been kicked out. 

The man thought for a moment, weighing up the options, "well do you want to spend the night at mine?" The offer was very appealing, in fact it was the only option he had that didn't involve death, but he couldn't help but feel slight distrust towards him. 

"I barely know you." Dan said simply, scanning the man's face for any sign of danger. The man smiled sympathetically.

"Well, my name's Phil, my favourite colour's blue and I love lions" Dan stared at him in bemusement, coming to the conclusion that this lion lover couldn't really pose as a threat. Truth be told, he looked far too innocent to slap Dan, let alone do anything worse.

"You said you live in the city," Dan started, weighing the pros and cons in his head; he would be away from his dad, but what if he changed his mind in the morning? The hope was slim, but it was the only thing Dan had, "I don't want to trouble you or anything"

"Don't worry, my car's a few roads away" 

Dan nodded reluctantly; the city was only a half hour drive away, but was that half an hour too far? Phil pulled himself over the side of the bridge, and Dan held his breath, scared he'd fall, but he got to the other side without any complications. He held his hand for Dan, who hesitated before accepting it, looking over his shoulder at the deep void of water once more, glistening in the moonlight innocently, like it was oblivious to the fact that it could've become his grave. 

*

"Home sweet home!" Phil said brightly, fumbling with his keys before swinging the front door open. Dan was met by a long hallway, covered by canvases depicting fictional characters he vaguely recognised. He led me to a relatively empty room, only containing a bed and a chest of drawers. 

"This is my spare room, but it can be yours for as long as you need it" Dan looked at this man, who had taken a risk by letting a stranger into his home, not knowing anything about him other than the fact that he was suicidal. 

It was only now, when they were inside away from the biting cold of the night, when the situation finally started to sink in. Dan sat down on the bed, dropping his bag on the floor below him and buried his head in his hands. He felt a familiar wetness in his eyes, the tears seeping inbetween his fingers. He momentarily forgot Phil was in the room until he felt an added weight on the mattress and a somewhat awkward arm around his shoulders. 

"You want to talk?" Phil asked softly, though nothing in his voice sounded patronising, just concerned. The two men sat, listening to the younger sobbing into his hand, the events of the past couple of hours fresh in his mind.

"It's been a long day," he wept harder as he spoke, "I went to that bridge wanting to kill myself, but I was talked out of it by a complete stranger" Phil didn't know how to respond; he didn't want to say anything that might further overwhelm the man.

"Thank you," Dan whispered, pulling his hands away from his face, tears still falling down his cheeks, "thank you for being there at the right time and giving me a place to stay tonight. I'll find somewhere else tomorrow, so I won't bother you for too long." 

"No, I want you to stay as long as you need!" Phil said, suddenly extremely passionate on the subject. He may have met the man a few hours ago, but he already felt a strong sense of protectiveness over him, "I want to make sure you're safe" 

Dan was slightly taken aback by Phil's sudden eagerness, but he'd be lying if he said it made him uncomfortable. The kindness he'd been craving for so long was finally being offered to him, but that didn't necessarily mean he was cured of all dark thoughts.

In fact, he mildly resented the man for taking away his only hope of leaving this cruel world. He was this close from ending his suffering, as dramatic as that sounded, but really, if there was one little thing he wanted, it was to just... die. Was that too much to ask?

Oblivious to the other man's train of thought, Phil took his silence as agreement, smiling at him quickly before leaving the room, closing the door lightly behind him. 

Dan looked down at the comfy looking duvet, a deep aqua blue colour, but if he was honest, he didn't think he was going to be able to get much sleep tonight.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During a late night chat, Dan learns a bit more about Phil, and maybe he's starting to feel a bit more safe.

Dan twisted and turned in the now crumpled sheets, chasing the sleep he was never going to get. His limbs were a tangled mess, nearly indistinguishable from each other due to how quickly they were moving. Dan had tried desperately to fall into unconsciousness, but his efforts were futile, the sheep in his head not lulling him to sleep, instead running around in wild circles. 

With a frustrated sigh, he threw the covers away from him, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, his bare feet hovering over the dark carpet. The events of the night had left him with very mixed feelings, but it wasn't until now when he realised how mixed; a few hours ago, he was ready to die, to simply stop existing, but here he was, in a stranger's house, very much not dead. It was careless of him to trust Phil only after a few minutes of talking, but honestly, he was all Dan had in this bleak world. 

Dan turned his head to the stretch of wall behind the bed, as if he would be able to see the man in question through it. What did Phil think of him? Dan had seen what looked like genuine concern earlier, but there was a thin line between being genuinely helpful and pity. If there was one thing Dan hated, it was pity. 

Dan had had friends before, if only a couple, but it all went south when he opened up about his mental condition. What used to be genuine compliments and easy conversations turned into worried looks and high pitched voices. Needless to say, Dan didn't stick around for too long after that. Ever since then, he's been in his own little personal bubble, avoiding potential friendships like the plague, only talking to people if absolutely necessary. 

He reached for his phone on the mahogany bedside table, checking the time to see it had just gone three. If he wasn't asleep now, there was no point in even trying. He'd taken on that mindset for a while; if something didn't go quite right, he just gave up, coming to the conclusion that a person like him wouldn't ever be allowed to succeed. 

His eyes ended up wandered around the room instead, noticing a small cardboard box he had somehow missed when he first arrived. He stood up suddenly, eager to learn more about his host without having to initiate a conversation. It may seem rude, but he honestly didn't care anymore. He clicked the bedside light on before walking towards the box, dropping to his knees to view it comfortably. 

Glancing behind him as if scared Phil would check in on him at this ungodly hour of the morning, he pushed the flaps open. He didn't know what he expected, but he certainly didn't think he'd find an assortment of obnoxiously brightly coloured wigs. What was this? Phil wasn't a... Drag queen? Cosplayer? Avid disguiser? 

Shaking his head in disbelief, chuckling quietly, he closed the lid again, deciding it was probably best not to ask. He did take him into his home, after all, so Dan wasn't really in a position to judge. Not that there was anything wrong with cross dressing, or whatever he did. 

He was just about to go back to his bed, ready for another few hours of fidgeting, until he heard a light tapping at the door. Was Phil really still awake? Dan stood up clumsily and opened the door slowly, as if scared of the man on the other side, even though he quite obviously had no reason to be. Dan looked at the other man expectantly, taking into account his sleepy state. Maybe he hadn't been awake this whole time, after all. Admittedly, Phil looked quite cute in an odd way, his glasses balancing lopsidedly on his nose, his fringe worked into a small quiff on top of his head. 

"I heard you walking around, so I thought I'd check on you." He said quietly, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Dan sighed, under the impression that Phil was one of those people who couldn't trust him on his own. Unfortunately for him, he'd met a few people like that in his time. He silenced himself quickly, aware that Phil may misinterpret this response as rude. 

"I'm fine, thanks." There was a somewhat awkward silence, Phil's eyes darting around nervously. Dan found this quite endearing; it reminded him of himself, and oddly enough, this simple subconscious action caused Dan's guard to be lowered slightly. 

"Do you, uh, want to come in? I couldn't sleep anyway." Dan asked tentatively, the other man simply smiled in relief, nodding as he entered the room, following Dan to sit on the bed with him, but making a point of sitting on the edge so as to respect the unspoken boundaries. 

Tension lingered in the air, and both men were eager to break it, despite the fact they were as equally inept at social interaction as the other. 

"I hope you don't mind, but I looked in that box over there," Dan said finally, gesturing towards said box, "I don't know what kind of thing you're into, but I'm not judging." Phil laughed, much to the other's surprise; he had been expecting anger, or maybe embarrassment. It makes you wonder why he'd said it at all if he'd expected such a response. 

"What's your first thought when I say I make videos on the internet?" He said finally, waiting for the younger's response. 

"Well I'm getting some horrible images in my head, if you must know" Dan said, quirking his left eyebrow slightly. Phil laughed again, louder this time, and despite his efforts, Dan couldn't help but join in.

"But no," Phil said finally after the laughter had died down, "I make YouTube videos about my life, and sometimes I make sketches, which is why I need the wigs" Dan had heard of people doing this, but he'd never watched someone properly, always too caught up in his own problems to watch someone be an idiot online. 

"That's the first time I've seen you smile." Phil pointed out after a few long minutes of silence. Dan blushed uncomfortably under this observation, having always hated people paying unnecessary attention to him; he honestly felt like he didn't deserve it. 

"Sorry, you probably don't want me to say things like that." Phil said softly, realising his mistake. Dan was taken aback by this correction; he had never met anyone who genuinely cared about his feelings in this way, he was used to unwanted spotlights thrown onto him spontaneously and insensitive comments shot his way carelessly, not this. 

"How do you always know the right thing to say?" Dan asked shortly afterwards. Phil hadn't been pushy about learning his situation, but he hadn't left him to his own devices, either. Phil looked at the other man, unsure of how to answer at first, but when he opened his mouth, the words just tumbled out naturally.

"Because I think about what I'd rather hear. I wouldn't want attention thrown onto me, but I wouldn't want to feel completely alone, you know?" Dan understood exactly what the other was trying to convey, nodding in agreement.

"Dan" 

"What?"

"My name's Dan. I was a bit caught up with trying to throw myself off a bridge earlier to introduce myself properly" Phil recoiled slightly at this statement, but changed his demeanor so he was smiling again, taking Dan's hand in his and shaking it gently. 

"Glad to make your acquaintance" his grip around Dan's hand was secure, though it wasn't in any sense vice-like, it was just a gesture of kindness. Dan found himself smiling stupidly again, smiling at the man in front of him, smiling at the fact that maybe, just maybe, he'd be okay. 

"I'm not going to force you to tell me what's up with you," Phil said, suddenly serious, "but if there comes a time when you trust me enough, I would like to know. Either way, I'd be more than happy to let you stay for as long as you need. No strings attached." This offer felt too good to be true, and things like this often were for Dan, but there was something about Phil that filled him with an almost innapropriate amount of safety and security, like this stranger could do no wrong. 

"Thank you so much" Dan said, tears forming in the corners of his eyes again but he was still able to give a watery smile.

Phil returned the smile, patting his shoulder as if to say no problem, and left the room, leaving Dan with his thoughts again. 

*

Dan opened his eyes, having only slept for two hours, but that was definitely more than he originally thought he'd be getting, so he wasn't complaining, though something inside him felt off. He didn't think about it for too long, he should be used to it by now. If you live with a mind like Dan's for a number of years, you learn to ignore it, hiding the feelings until it gets too much. How he decides to deal with it when it gets to that point is often the same, but he hasn't told anyone about this particular coping mechanism. 

He remembered finally falling asleep at five, so that must mean it was around seven now. Dan wondered if the other inhabitant of the house was awake until he detected the faint smell of coffee seeping into his room. The scent carried an air of sentimentality, reminding him of early mornings when his mother would fix herself a quick drink before dashing off to work. It was something small, some people might think of it as irrelevant, but it meant the world to Dan; it was one of the few things he could remember about his mum. 

Ever since she had died, he'd never smelt any hot beverage, let alone coffee, his father instead opting for alcohol regardless of what time it was, and having never set foot in a café. He wasn't sure why, maybe it just wasn't a priority of his. 

It didn't take long for Dan to get changed, simply throwing on a plain white t-shirt with yesterday's scuffed jeans. He didn't really care about his appearance. When he was younger, he'd taken to straightening his hair every day, but two years ago, he stopped. He just didn't have the patience nor the motivation to go through with this mundane task every morning. 

Yawning, he opened the door, peeking his head around it so as to see if Phil was waiting for him. Once satisfied he was not being stalked, Dan followed the familiar scent, eventually finding himself in the kitchen, where Phil was standing over a stove, cooking what appeared to be pancakes. 

"Morning, Dan!" Phil said happily, not turning away from the food, unsurprisingly so, as it looked like he was already burning them.

"Why don't you turn the heat down a bit? You're going to set the apartment on fire at this rate." Dan said, reaching for the gas dial quickly. By no means was he a master chef, but if you live with someone who doesn't bother cooking for the majority of your life, you learn a thing or two by yourself. 

Phil just laughed, even if it was visibly awkward, and Dan couldn't really bring himself to be mad at him for long.

"And how long have you been living by yourself?" Dan said, leaning against the countertop next to the stove.

"Just over a year now," Phil replied, flipping the pancake over, relaxed now the task was a little less stressful, "I don't usually cook, as you can tell, I just thought it'd be nice to give you a 'welcome to my home' celebratory breakfast." Dan stared at him in confusion; he wasn't used to this kind of treatment at all. In fact, he didn't even feel like he deserved it. He'd gone this long without it, so why should it start now? 

"Thank you, but you really didn't ha-" he was interrupted by Phil, who had placed the first pancake on a plate, now starting another, "I wanted to, really" 

Phil had ordered the other to sit down at the dining table, surrounded by an assortment of brightly coloured chairs, and of course, Dan chose the grey one. Phil didn't comment as he put the plate in front of him, sitting opposite him in the blue chair with his own meal.

"So," Phil said after swallowing his first bite, "tell me a little about yourself."

"What do you want to know?" 

"You know what I want to know, I'm just leaving it up to you to decide whether you want to disclose or not." Phil talked in an oddly serious voice, contrasting against his playful behaviour a few minutes prior. He sure knew what situations called for what treatment, a skill Dan admired greatly. Dan approached every task he faced with caution, always fearful that things would go wrong; he was always ready for the worst. Yet here was Phil, able to engage in light banter, despite their lack of knowledge of each other, but still facing him with an air of seriousness, maybe even authority. 

Once Dan had stopped pondering the other man's mannerisms, he analysed what had just been asked of him. This conversation was either going to be really short, or really long. There would be no inbetween.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look at that, it's a cliffhanger. Don't you love me? So this story is already in Wattpad, but I really want to go over the next few chapters and improve, because I'm scared my writing ability will decline as the chapters go on, but I'm confident it will go okay. Again,thank you for reading!


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan opens up about what brought him to the bridge, but he doesn't yet feel comfortable letting Phil know everything.

Phil waited expectantly, his eyes boring into the man sitting opposite him, though nothing about his demeanor gave off confrontational connotations; he was simply leaving the younger man the opportunity to decline the invitation if he so wished. 

Dan carefully avoided eye contact, though there was something oddly appealing about meeting the gaze, despite the somewhat unpleasant situation. He weighed his options for a moment; on one hand, Phil had shown immense kindness by letting him into his home, having only exchanged a few words, but on the other hand, there was always the possibility that he could use his weaknesses against him at some point in the future. It was stretching a bit, but in Dan's mind, it could happen. Thinking about it, though, did he really care if the latter happened? He'd been so used to rejection and neglect at this point, telling someone might be worth it, even if Phil turned out to be not as nice as he seemed. 

Dan dragged his eyes away from the barely touched plate in front of him to look at Phil, who was still waiting patiently, despite being left in silence for what seemed like hours. 

"Well," Dan said, setting his fork down, "if you haven't guessed already, I'm not exactly the happiest person." Phil smiled in encouragement now that the conversation was actually going somewhere, and maybe there was a trace of triumph in this gesture. Dan appreciated this man's patience, and how he didn't force anything out of him, but he carried on, now wanting to explain as articulately as possible. 

"Last night, I had been kicked out of my dad's house. I packed a bag and left, but after about an hour  of walking, it finally sunk in that I had nowhere to go. That's when I came to the conclusion that nobody actually wants me here, and maybe I should end it all." Phil didn't know what to say, staring at Dan with what he hoped to be a supportive look. He didn't want to bring it up right now, but there had been a time, years ago, when he felt the exact same way, that no one would care if he died, but thankfully, he had friends to show him life really was worth living. It was a long road to recovery, but he'd done it, and he wanted to do everything in his power to help Dan get to a good place, too. 

"I've always felt like this, it was just, at that moment, I had nothing left to hold on to" Dan continued almost nonchalantly, as if it was unimportant. Phil remembered feeling that way, too. 

There was a long silence, but by no means was it awkward; both men were in their own thoughts, Phil processing what had just been said, the other wondering what would happen next. Dan desperately wanted the other to say something, but couldn't bring himself to prompt him; his heart was beating too fast for his liking, despite the fact that Phil had shown no signs of hostility, so this 

"Why did your dad kick you out?" Phil asked finally, and Dan was startled back into reality, a frown now clouding his face. 

"How open minded are you?" Phil raised his eyebrow slightly at this seemingly random question. 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean what are your views on homosexuality?" Phil frowned, though it wasn't at this statement specifically. Had his father kicked his son out over something as trivial as this?

Phil had been with other guys before, years ago, but he hadn't felt the need to get into a relationship as of late. He hadn't really met anyone he clicked with in that way. His mother often went on at him about finding someone, though he was only in his mid twenties, which really pissed Phil off, to put it mildly. 

"Well it's a bit difficult to hate a minority I'm part of." That's one way of coming out to someone he'd met only the night before. Dan looked startled, yet slightly pleased for a moment before carrying on with his story. 

"I don't know why I did it, but I told my dad I'm gay. I think it was just a spur of the moment thing," he laughed weakly, "he said something like 'why can't you ever park the car straight', and I was like, 'because I'm not'."

Dan often saw opportunities to do this, but he was always very careful, able to hold his tongue. But when you live on the internet, the home of thousands of other homosexuals, you kind of forget there are some people who aren't as accepting.

"Didn't go down well, evidently." He talked as if it was a joke, which infuriated Phil somewhat; this was his life they were talking about.  

Phil didn't know how to respond; he had never been in a situation even similar to Dan's, so he doubted anything he said could make it better. Phil was lucky enough to have accepting parents, even if it did come as a shock at first. 

"I'm sorry that happened to you," Phil said finally, the man opposite him not looking any more relieved, but he didn't look sad, either, "and the offer still stands. You can stay for as long as you want." Dan's eyes lit up a little like they did the first time Phil had suggested the arrangement. Phil was somewhat pleased with himself for provoking such a reaction, even if it was subtle, but he couldn't dwell on this for too long until he heard Dan speak up again.

"You have no idea how grateful I really am," he said, and though he wanted to cry, he didn't want to put Phil in that position again, "it's not very often I meet someone as nice as you." There was an unspoken mutual agreement that this particular conversation was now over, but that didn't mean Phil wasn't intrigued about Dan as a person. 

"So do you have a job or anything?" Phil said conversationally, starting to eat his pancakes, which had started to grow cold with neglect. Dan sighed quietly in relief, happy that they weren't talking about feelings anymore. Though the topic was still very much still focussed on him, Dan was far more comfortable not having to open up about his mental state more than he had to. He'd said what he deemed necessary, feeling like this was the least he owed to Phil, but that didn't mean he wasn't uncomfortable talking about it. 

"I've had a few jobs in retail, but at the moment, I'm unemployed." He said truthfully, eating his own breakfast calmly as Phil looked on. He wasn't lying exactly, he just missed out the part where he'd been fired from all of the jobs he'd ever had. It was usually because he'd shown little to no motivation towards the task at hand, and sometimes, if he was feeling especially shitty, he missed shifts altogether, which his employers weren't happy about. To Dan, finding a job was easy; keeping one was a different matter entirely. 

"What about you?" 

"YouTube"

"Really? I thought that was just a hobby." The fact that Phil had a whole box of wigs suggested to Dan that he put a lot of effort into his videos, but never did he think this could be a source of income. 

"I actually have quite a large internet following, so I get paid to put adverts in my videos" he smiled as he spoke; he obviously enjoyed his job very much, even if it was a strange one. Dan smiled, too, the other man's happiness starting to rub off on him. 

"I'll have to watch some now" Dan laughed, taking the last bite of his pancake before carrying his plate to the sink and washing it. After that, conversation went smoothly, Dan finding out that Phil had an unreasonable fear of horses ("I just don't trust them") and Phil finding out that the other was afraid of moths, to his amusement. 

"How can you be scared of moths?" Phil laughed, both of them now sitting on the sofa after having finished their breakfast. The men were sat at each end of the sofa, yet again not wanting to break the unspoken boundaries. 

When Dan first entered the room, had he not met the owner of the house beforehand, he would've thought a child had decorated it. Well that was a bit unfair; maybe a very style concious teen. The point was, it wasn't an environment one would associate with an adult, though it instantly made him feel at ease. The room was quite large, a long sofa occupying the wall to the left of the door, with a television on the wall opposite, a small black coffee table sitting between the two. Upon closer inspection, the corners of the table looked rounder than they probably should've been; they must've been walked into more than twice. 

"Don't judge me!" Dan whined, pouting playfully while the other man chuckled quietly as he switched the TV on, though he didn't pay much attention, his eyes focussed instead on the brunette sitting a distance away. 

Dan was rather entranced by the other man, too, against his better judgement. Despite having not spent much time around him, he had a certain air about him that calmed Dan down, like he couldn't be hurt. He'd heard that blue was meant to be the most calming colour, but he'd never really understood that until he'd seen Phil's eyes properly. Now, with the natural light flooding the room, he could fully appreciate the hue of his irises. If he looked close enough, they almost looked like they contained the ocean itself, the shades of blue and green complementing each other perfectly, colliding together like crashing waves. He almost forgot where he was until Phil spoke up again. 

"Have you ever watched an anime?" His voice was now higher than it was before, and Dan laughed quietly at how excited the other man was, but honestly, Dan had never watched an anime in his life. He'd never seen the appeal. He'd always thought the Japanese were weird; not in a bad way, just in the sense that they were very... Creative. 

"No" was the answer he finally settled on, not wanting to subject Phil to the whole reasoning behind it. From the way he was talking about it, it was pretty clear that he wouldn't want to hear anything negative about it, and Dan thought it only fair to be nice about it, for now, at least. 

Phil's eyes lit up with a newfound childish excitement before setting up Netflix and flicking through their anime collection. 

"Okay, well, there's a lot of stuff here, but I think we should start with a classic!" Phil said quickly, his eyes scanning the screen until he finally settled on a show called Attack on Titan. Dan wasn't going to lie, the art style was something to be admired, but he couldn't really come to a conclusion this early on, instead, he settled himself in his seat, ready to begin. 

"You won't regret this" 

"Don't make me" 

They shared a short-lived smile before turning towards the screen again and starting the episode. Dan really hoped he'd enjoy it, because then, that'd mean they had a common interest, and therefore, a potential conversation starter in case it was needed, but he had a feeling he wouldn't have to work too hard keeping conversation flowing. 

The episode started, characters darting on and off the screen as the opening credits played, and though he wanted to pay attention, Dan's thoughts drifted elsewhere. 

There was a part of Dan that knew he was only distracted, that this wasn't happiness; his self loathe couldn't be cured overnight. He knew, once the day was over and the darkness flooded into his room, his thoughts would creep up on him again, questioning his role in the world for what had to be the millionth time. One would think he'd be used to it by now, but he never would be. 

His mind always got the better of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy it's getting deep. It's really important to me that I portray Dan's character correctly, so I'm using my own experiences to work from, but by no means am I saying depression is the same for everyone. You're going to be so sick of me for saying this, but thank you so much for reading!


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's convinced he's wasted his day, so suggests that he look for a job. Phil is reluctant, but let's him get on with it; it's not his place to intervene.

The thoughts drifting around Dan's head were fought away by the events on screen almost like they were nothing. He was oddly entranced by this cartoon, having never seen anything like it before in his life, and before he knew it, the episode was over, and Phil was staring at him expectantly, his eyes glinting playfully. 

"Well?" It was quite obvious that this was an important part of Phil's life, and it was even more obvious that he wanted Dan to take an interest in it, too. 

"It wasn't awful" was the answer Dan settled on, much to Phil's annoyance. Despite this, he was clearly quite pleased with himself for holding Dan's interest with something he enjoyed immensely. 

"You won't mind watching another one, then?" And without waiting for a response, he clicked onto the next episode. Dan laughed quietly before settling himself down again.

Dan couldn't help but glance towards the other man, who was grinning goofily at the screen, oblivious to the attention still focussed on him. 

*

They ended up spending the majority of the day watching the anime, finally finishing at about four in the afternoon. The two men had stuck to their own sides of the sofa, but Dan found himself looking over to the other man periodically, amused by how engrossed he became by the show. He was admittedly a little disappointed when Phil said that they'd better call it a day, but he didn't dispute, realising he had been unproductive enough as it was. 

It was easy to distract himself, but when he no longer had anything to distract himself with, he was in trouble. He was now able to fully appreciate how lazy he had been today. He could've thought about getting a job or something to help him get back on his feet, but no, he wasted his day watching a stupid cartoon. Would he even be able to get a job anyway? If his previous experiences were anything to go by, maybe he just wasn't cut out for the world of work, which was quite unfortunate, as how else was he to get money? 

Dan's dad didn't care much for him, but he knew there were people in worse situations, so he couldn't complain. It's not like he was beaten regularly, he was just left to his own devices. Their household had very poor income, even with his dad working, but his dad just told him to use his credit card when they needed things. Dan didn't agree with this system at all, sometimes outright refusing to use it, instead subjecting himself to near starvation just so he wouldn't have to spend the money they didn't have. The only reason he didn't end up starving himself to death was because his dad bought food when he realised his son wasn't doing it himself. 

Though his dad rarely laid a finger on him, Dan was terrified that it would happen again, maybe after he'd had quite a few drinks. He worked until late at night, so it wasn't uncommon for him to stop off at the shop to buy alcohol before coming home. 

Every night, Dan would lay in bed, straining his ears for movement downstairs. He'd hear the crack of a can being opened, and for the rest of the night, his anxiety would fizz up inside him, just like the beer his dad drunk. 

*

"You want to order pizza?" Phil asked suddenly, dragging Dan out of his mind. Dan looked up to see the other man standing over him, his hair falling messily down his face. 

"Yeah, sure. I'll pay you back when I can" Dan was one of those people who felt genuinely uncomfortable when someone else paid for him. It just didn't sit right with him. He couldn't let anyone even buy him a bottle of water without trying to pay for it himself first. Sometimes he felt like he didn't deserve it. 

"Don't worry about it, you're my guest" he waved his hand dismissively, opening his laptop to order. Dan shifted uncomfortably, trying to think of a way to say thank you to this man. It wasn't just about the pizza, obviously, it was everything Phil had done in the span of just under 24 hours. But instead, he just sat in silence. 

About an hour later, they were sat where they had been the majority of the day, but this time eating double pepperoni pizza and garlic bread, Game of Thrones blaring on the TV in front of them. It was quite a pleasant evening; Dan was able to see the city outside the window, the streetlights illuminating the roads below, crowds of people surging through, going about life as if oblivious to the fact that they were all going to die one day. 

"So what were you thinking about earlier?" Phil said after the episode had finished. Dan looked over, raising an eyebrow in confusion, asking for elaboration, "when we'd finished with the anime? I came back to see you staring into space." 

"Oh," Dan remembered, "I was just thinking about getting a job."  That wasn't the whole story, but Phil didn't need to know. 

"Are you sure that's the best idea at the moment?" Phil replied, concern lacing his words carefully. An almost unreasonable wave of irritation came over the younger man; who was he to say what was or wasn't good for him? What did he know? But Dan didn't point this out, instead he spoke up, determined to stand his ground. 

"Yes." He wanted to build upon this, but he couldn't seem to find the right words. Phil's eyes searched him, as if looking for further explanation himself, but just resolved to shrug in response, starting the next episode. 

"If that's what you want to do." And that was the end of that. 

*

Dan's night was once again very restless, though he had nothing to distract himself with, so ended up delving back into his thoughts. He thought his mind would take him back to his darkest moments, but instead, he was reminded of the man in the next room. He'd certainly learned a lot more about him today, but Dan wasn't sure if they qualified as friends just yet. 

There was still the possibility that Phil was only keeping him around out of pity, but there was no denying that Dan was at least a little thankful that he passed that bridge when he did. 

There was also no denying that there was a part of Dan, even if it was a tiny part, that wished Phil had left him alone going about his evening not knowing that a young man had ended his life. 

*

Yet again, Dan only got a couple hours of sleep, but he didn't mind; years living in fear of his father trained him to get used to lack of sleep. The familiar smell of coffee drifted into his room again, but he was determined to not have a repeat of yesterday, a day that wasn't productive at all.

He figured he'd have to rewrite his CV today, having not thought to bring his old one with him when he'd been kicked out; it wasn't exactly a priority at that moment. He just hoped Phil would let him use his computer. He decided on his black t-shirt today with the same jeans and ventured into the busily decorated living room, where Phil was lounging on the sofa, reading a book he didn't recognize. Phil's eyes darted across the pages, not particularly quickly, but not slowly either, it was like he was making a point of taking in every detail. Dan used to read a lot when he was younger; his mum had bought him piles of picture books, and even went as far as buying classic literature for when he was old enough. 

She'd perch on the mattress by his head and read to him; usually something like The Faraway Tree, and Dan would listen contently. Even now, he could still vaguely remember tales of magical lands and strange characters, but those were distant memories, long ago faded and possessing an air of sadness. 

After his mum died, Dan lost all interest in reading. He tried, but it could never be the same without her. His dad didn't encourage him, instead letting him leave his books on the shelf, neglected and gathering dust. 

"Good morning." Dan said quietly, trying his best not to disturb, but Phil's head shot up in retaliation. It was a matter of seconds until he noticed Dan walking towards the sofa, so he rearranged himself to make room for him. 

Phil couldn't help but notice the distinct bags under the younger man's eyes, like he hadn't slept in days. It was understandable, but he'd need to find a way of tackling that problem soon, and Phil was determined to help. His focus drifted to the clothes Dan was wearing; Phil wasn't usually one to judge based on appearance, and he wasn't really judging, just observing, but it looked like Dan didn't put much thought into his clothing. He was wearing the jeans he wore yesterday, and the day before that, along with a plain black shirt that hung loosely from his body. He was wearing odd socks, too, but Phil wasn't really in a position to criticize, seeing as he was wearing a mismatched pair himself; one bright yellow, the other decorated with pokè balls. 

"Morning" he replied, taking his eyes away from the book for a moment to meet his tired gaze before continuing where he left off. Dan shifted uncomfortably besides him, unsure as to what to do with himself. Phil may have made it clear to him that he was welcome here, but he couldn't help but feel slightly apprehensive about making himself at home in a place that wasn't really his home. 

"Do you want breakfast? There's cereal in the kitchen if you want it?" Phil asked finally, having noticed the other man's discomfort. Phil remembered times he'd stayed at friends' houses, and how he didn't want to treat it as his own home in fear of appearing rude. He recognised this behaviour in Dan immediately, hoping that by telling him it was okay, he'd start to relax, but maybe he was reading too far into it. 

"No thank you, I'm not hungry." Phil glanced over at him again, taking into account his tall, slim frame that looked like it needed energy, but he didn't push the subject. 

"Okay," he said awkwardly, "so what's your plan for today?" Dan immediately tensed under the attention, hesitating. He knew what his plan was, he just felt embarrassed asking to borrow Phil's computer. What if he thought it was rude? What if he outright refuses? And assuming he agrees, what if Dan broke the thing? He eventually came to the conclusion that he should simply swallow his pride and ask. If he said no, that was that. 

"Um, I was actually hoping to write a CV today" Phil raised his eyebrow, but didn't try to dissuade; it wasn't his place. If Dan felt like he was up to working, that was his choice. 

"Do you want to use my computer?" Phil replied, much to Dan's surprise. Phil thought this would be the best way of showing the other man that he was on his side. Dan smiled and nodded as Phil placed the laptop next to him.

"There won't be anything dodgy if I click on your history, will there?" Dan laughed, pulling it towards him. 

"I don't think so" he chuckled before turning back to his book, and suddenly the room was engulfed by silence. It wasn't as awkward as it had been when Dan had first entered. Phil was starting to grow on him; he had been incredibly welcoming, he had insisted Dan stay as long as he need, and most importantly, he had listened to Dan's story, even if he hadn't revealed all of it just yet. Phil was just nice to be around in general. 

Dan opened up a word document and stared at it for a while. Personal statement... That was daunting to him. He was expected to be nice about himself for at least fifty words, which was a feat in itself, and it was only the beginning of the document.

Sure, he'd done this before, but that was ages ago, years in fact, and he didn't even have his old one as a reference. He sighed deeply before starting; he'd decided on just "going with the flow" and editing it later. 

He didn't notice the way Phil peeked up over his book to stare at him. It was a look of curiosity mixed with awe, but more than anything, Phil wanted to be his friend. 

What Phil didn't know, was that the feeling was mutual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if it's getting a bit slow, but I'm hoping to make this more interesting either in the next chapter or after that. I've been writing for a little while now, but I'm still trying to adapt my style, so bear with me :) thank you for reading!


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's afternoon is occupied by an oddly tense CV writing session.

Phil breathed in the cool Autumn air as he treaded along the gravel path, finally able to clear his head after months spent in the hectic, mildly polluted city. Don't get him wrong, he loved it there, in fact he'd wanted to live there ever since he was a child, but there was something about this fast paced life that tired him out, draining him of the little energy he had already. 

He had a car, but he rarely used it, instead opting to use public transport due to its convenience. In fact, that evening was the first time in a while he had actually driven his car, and he was honestly a bit apprehensive about the whole ordeal, scared that he'd somehow forgotten how to drive the thing. 

He was just about ready to head back the way he came, back towards his empty apartment, where he had no friends or family to keep him from going insane, when he squinted his eyes to see a figure sitting dangerously close to the edge of the nearby bridge. Phil stopped what he was doing to look over, the stranger just watching the body of water in front of him, occasional checking his watch. At first, Phil thought nothing of it. He seemed to be a young man, maybe waiting for a friend, but when he started to shift closer to the edge, that's when alarm bells started ringing in Phil's head. It had now become clear to him as to why this man was here; Phil almost hit himself for not seeing the signs sooner, but there wasn't time for that.  Without as much as a second thought, he ran towards the man, shouting out at him as he tripped over his own feet in his haste. 

"Wait!"

*

The unnamed man was now sitting in his car, clearly shaken by the night's events, though he was tensed up, like he was trying to stop himself from completely breaking down, or maybe he was just uncomfortable in Phil's presence? Phil tried to focus entirely on the road, but he couldn't help but let his eyes drift over to him. 

The man didn't look back. Instead, he stared straight ahead, almost emotionless if it weren't for the tears in his eyes threatening to break his facade. Phil sympathised with the man, but decided not to bring it up; Phil didn't want to scare the man away with his own problems this early on. 

His heart broke for the man; though he didn't want to seem like he was taking pity, he felt like it was the least he could do to help him. How much the man would accept from him, he didn't know, but he hoped with every hope that he could make a difference. 

*

Phil looked over to the brunette typing away at the laptop, his eyebrows scrunched up in concentration. He'd made his opinions on Dan working pretty clear, but he wasn't about to push the matter. Instead, he simply watched him get progressively more frustrated at the screen in front of him until he eventually decided to push the laptop away from him in disgust. 

"Finished already?" Phil teased, failing horribly at making it look like he hadn't been staring at Dan the whole time. Dan gazed up at him with his deep brown eyes, before rolling them playfully and kicking him with his left leg, which had been stretched out lazily on the sofa. Phil smiled at how quickly the younger man had seemed to warm up to him. Only the previous morning had he opened up about his circumstances, and Phil was admittedly quite pleased with himself. To be fair, he understood how to approach someone like Dan; he saw pieces of himself in him. 

"It's just so...," Dan said, trying desperately to find the right words, "mentally draining." He sighed dramatically before letting his head fall against the back of the sofa. 

"Can I have a look at what you've done so far?" Phil asked, but the other man just chuckled, though Phil didn't quite know why.

"Sofa" he giggled childishly, his head still in a lifeless state.

"What?"

"Do you want to see what I've done sofa? Get it?" He emphasized his point by tapping the cushions under him with great vigour. Anyone would think he was drunk; from alcohol or fatigue, Phil didn't quite know. 

"That was awful." Phil tried to keep a straight face, but it was near impossible, given his own awful sense of humour. His efforts became even more futile when Dan sat up again, the light bubbly laughter infecting him as he gave the older man the laptop.

He gave Dan one last look of mock disapproval before focussing on the screen set in front of him. Dan's laughter had died down now, instead watching on intently, waiting for Phil's opinion. 

The personal statement wasn't the wordiest, but maybe that was a good thing? Upon closer inspection, Dan wasn't exactly selling himself very well; he'd mentioned his history of being late to shifts, and how he didn't really have much work experience. He was being honest, granted, but that wasn't necessarily the best approach for something like this.

The education part of the document was more promising. He'd passed everything apart from French for his GCSEs. He'd gone to Sixth form, too, having left with A levels in Art, Psychology and Drama.

Dan noticed the hesitation, his restlessness becoming more prominent as he rearranged his legs from crossed to uncrossed and back again. 

"Well?" Dan asked finally, unable to go this long without recieving feedback. 

"Well," the other man said, sitting next to Dan and sitting the computer on his lap so they could both see the screen, "I'd change this to 'Eager to learn and improve on my skills.' You're not lying, and you're selling yourself well, so you can't go wrong." Dan thought for a moment; he wasn't exactly used to presenting himself in a good light, so Phil's insight was actually helpful. Come to think of it, he'd always been negative about himself in various situations, not just in a work environment. It wasn't really a surprise that he'd managed to drive most people away with his pessimistic attitude, and even when people did hang around, they eventually became aware of the reasoning behind it. That was too much for Dan, so he simply avoided these people and situations. 

Dan nodded, though he'd be lying if he said he wasn't disheartened at all. He reminded himself that Phil was only trying to help; he wasn't going to purposefully bring Dan down. 

Dan leaned over towards the other man so he could correct his wording, but there was something oddly comforting about being in such close proximity. Maybe it was the novelty of the situation; he'd always kept to himself, the last time being close to someone both literally and figuratively being years ago, back at school. Despite this reasonable explanation, Dan was convinced the reason he was so comfortable in the other man's comfort was something more. 

Dan leaned closer towards Phil, almost as if to test the theory, and sure enough, being near him filled him with an alien type of happiness. 

Phil watched on, oblivious to Dan's train of thought, letting him correct his statement. The room was silent now, except for the beating in Dan's chest that felt so strong that he was sure Phil could hear, but he didn't dwell on it, simply finishing the sentence and sitting back, albeit a little reluctantly. 

Their eyes locked, and in any other situation, Dan would have averted his gaze to stop the situation from happening in the first place, but this time, neither of the men showed any signs of moving. Yet again, Dan found himself getting lost in the deep blue of the other man's eyes, but unbeknownst to him, Phil was admiring his own brown irises, sprinkles of amber scattered throughout like tiny flecks of gold. He thought it was a truly beautiful sight, but he didn't dare vocalise this. 

Phil cleared his throat suddenly, dragging Dan out of his own train of thought, and it was only then when they realised how close they had got to each other. Dan's mind was racing; it was clear to him that there was a desire beyond platonic between the two of them, but was he just confused? He hadn't had a good relationship with anyone for so long, let alone someone be this nice to him, that maybe he didn't quite know the difference between platonic and romantic attraction. Either way, Dan hadn't spent enough time with Phil to come to a valid conclusion that wasn't a spur of the moment. 

He looked up from the computer, where his eyes had managed to wander of their own accord, to see Phil was setting up Netflix, ready to start another episode of the anime that had wasted far too much of Dan's time before.

"Um, no." Dan stated bluntly.

"Why not?" He didn't sound disappointed, just amused as he scrolled through the episode list.

"Because it'll distract me and I'll get no work done." Despite his words, Dan's eyes drifted towards the television almost longingly. 

"Just one episode? Then you can carry on."

Dan tried to resist the pleading look Phil shot his way, but the moment it became more intense, he just couldn't do it. 

"Fine." He huffed playfully, placing the computer on the coffee table so he could sit comfortably. 

Phil smiled brightly before pressing play, and as quickly as the happiness made itself known on his face, it became one of concentration and interest. 

Inevitably, Dan never got to carry on with his work. 

*

Dan woke up with a start, heart beating like he'd just ran a marathon. It only took him a moment to recall why he'd awoken so suddenly. 

*

It was that night. He was sitting, unsupported, on the wall of that stone bridge, legs hanging freely over the murky body of water. He glanced down at his watch, sighing at the time displayed almost nonchalantly, like nothing was wrong, like his life wasn't about to end. A part of him was telling him to wait a little longer, but the other, far louder part was telling him to just get it over with. So, without as much as a second thought, he hitched himself up so he was standing upright on top of the wall and jumped. 

The feeling of the wind rushing past his ears was an odd mixture of thrilling and terrifying, yet he didn't feel the need to scream; this is what he wanted. About halfway down, he heard someone cry out; he wasn't sure if it had been him or not but he couldn't dwell on it for long before he hit the water at a great force. 

Then he woke up.

*

Instead of reducing himself to a panic, which he would have done in other circumstances, he was comforted by a familiar presence. He craned his neck downwards to see Phil's messy mop of black hair resting on his chest. They must have fallen asleep on the sofa while watching that stupid show. He was breathing steadily, his hand tucked under his cheek, his whole body raising in time with Dan's own breathing.

The urge to throw him off lasted but a few seconds before Dan fully appreciated how comforting it really was to have the other man's company, even if he wasn't aware. 

Dan smiled fondly, hoping with every hope that he would be able to sleep easier this time round as he rested his arm around Phil's shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually having a lot of fun writing this, even if some of the content is making me sad... But I hope you're enjoying it so far, and thank you for reading!


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil bond over some stir-fry.

Dan woke up early the next morning with a sharp pain coursing through his neck, like he had been stabbed several times while he slept, making it near impossible to lift his head. With a hissing intake of breath, he was able to stretch so he was looking up at the ceiling then back down again to see that Phil hadn't moved as much more than an inch, his hands now splayed haphazardly across Dan's chest. Dan smiled softly to himself, but then realised he wouldn't be able to move until the other had woken, which was getting uncomfortable just thinking about as his neck muscles twitched again, serving as a reminder. 

He took one more look at the sleeping man in his arms before reluctantly nudging him. It almost pained him; he looked far too peaceful to interrupt, but some things just had to be done. Phil whined sleepily, lifting his head to look at Dan with bleary, wide eyes, which only made Dan want to hold him closer, if only to lull him back to sleep again. It looked like Phil was momentarily unaware of his whereabouts, judging by the mild streak of panic in his eyes, but less than a second later, he sighed, lifting himself up.

The loss of warmth was unwelcome, even more so when met by the chilling air in the living room, but Dan brushed these thoughts away, sitting up next to the other man and stretching his arms out fully.

"Good morning," Phil yawned, letting his head fall against the sofa cushions behind him, "sorry for squashing you." though the apology didn't seem very sincere, when his subtle smirk was taken into account. 

"I only got a cramped neck out of it, don't worry," Dan smiled, before standing up fully, "is it okay if I make breakfast today?" 

"Go ahead, just ask me if you need to know where things are." Dan nodded, walking into the kitchen, scarily unfamiliar, yet he was determined to prove that he could pull his own weight, though he was sure Phil would say Dan didn't need to prove himself. Phil always made pancakes, so why not try to do the same? How difficult can that be? Dan had been cooking for years, so why was he so scared he'd screw up now?

"Where are your frying pans?" he said loudly 

"I think I left that next to the sink"

Oh. 

Sure enough, he turned around to see the pan, cleaned after yesterday morning's breakfast, but deciding to brush away the momentary embarrassment, he picked it up and placed it on the stove. 

After that, it didn't take him long to find everything he needed, and soon enough, he had three cakes cooked already. Phil entered, rubbing his eyes behind the glasses that had somehow found their way onto his face. The glasses themselves suited him very well, their black frames complementing his eyes as well as his almost abnormally pale skin. 

"You need help?" He said, standing next to Dan, hands poised, waiting for further instruction.

"Um, maybe could you get some toppings out?" It honestly felt odd to give orders in someone else's house, but if Phil's offer for him to stay was going to last a while, he might as well get used to it. Phil nodded, rushing around the kitchen, practically throwing a bottle of syrup and a packet of strawberries onto the counter. 

"And maybe try not to break it?" 

Phil giggled sheepishly, laying the table and waiting patiently, watching the younger man bustle around the kitchen. He was still curious about his guest, though he couldn't quite explain why; they'd talked about what had driven him to the bridge that night, so surely that was enough. 

Phil shook his head determinedly; he didn't want to only know the minimum, he wanted to know everything. Like Dan's favourite food, music preferences, what he'd choose to take to a deserted island, what kind of people he absolutely hated... His eyes bored into the back of the brunette's head, trying to come up with a plan of action, though, something like this couldn't be planned and executed quickly; a good relationship between the two had to be built over time and with trust. 

"Here you go." Dan placed a plate in front of him, pancakes towering precariously on top of each other, but very well cooked, maybe even better than his own cooking. Maybe. 

Phil smiled back, digging into his breakfast while sneaking quick glances at Dan, who was picking at his own food on the opposite side of the table. It could just be that he'd just woken up, but Dan's hazel eyes looked vacant, like he was deep in thought, and though that was completely understandable, Phil couldn't help but wish he could do something to help distract him. 

But there was only so much anime they could watch or food they could eat before things became unhealthy, and that was the last thing Dan needed right now. 

There was a certain, very familiar emotion that stood out in his eyes, though, as desperately as he wanted to hide it. He was tired. The light that should be there was faded, nearly nonexistent. He was a ghost of who he was. 

Phil felt an unspoken form of affection for the man, like it was his responsibility to make Dan better, despite the fact it was most definitely going to be a long road to recovery. But Phil could deal with that; it would all be worth it when Dan's light returned. 

*

Phil had left about an hour ago to film a video, his loud voice drifting through the walls separating their rooms. It was clear that, though he was very honest with his online audience, he made himself appear more confident than he really was, but maybe that was just because Dan hadn't got to know him well enough yet. 

Dan, on the other hand, was not being as productive, simply laying on his back on the soft mattress, staring into space. He should be finding a job, but honestly, he couldn't be bothered. All he wanted was wallow in self pity and dwell on his thoughts, as dangerous as that could be. The last time he did that seriously, he ended up almost jumping off a bridge. 

Even now, over a week later, he still wasn't quite sure if he was happy Phil had found him. At that particular moment, he was ready to stop existing, but Phil had taken the choice away from him. But at the same time, there was something about him that filled Dan with a warmth he hadn't felt in years, like he was safe. Phil always had something nice to say, but he'd started to let his goofy side shine through, only yesterday revealing the plant collection in his room and saying he'd named one of them Susan, another Loki. And earlier that morning, he'd returned from the shop, having not come back with what he'd gone for originally, instead with a single Kinder egg, only for Dan to laugh at him.

"I got a new roommate the other day!" Dan froze upon hearing Phil's voice again, "I'll see if he wants to introduce himself in the future, anyway..." He began talking about something else, but Dan couldn't bring himself to listen any longer. It's not like Phil meant any harm, he was just telling his viewers about a change in his life, so why was Dan so worried about it? It's not like his dad would watch that particular video and come to the conclusion that he was the said roommate. The chances practically nonexistent. 

But the possibility carried on making itself known, drilling away at his mind like an extremely persistent woodpecker. 

*

"What's that smell?" Dan emerged from his room at about seven o'clock, his interest having been prompted by the delicious scent wafting under his door. He followed it down the hallway towards the kitchen, where Phil was stirring something in a pot. 

"Just making some stir fry for dinner." He turned his head around, smiling quickly before turning his attention back to the cooking. 

"What have you been doing this evening?" He asked innocently, spooning servings onto two plates. 

"Um..." Dan didn't know how to respond; truthfully, he'd done nothing; he didn't want to have to say that, but he didn't want to lie, either.

"It's okay, you're here now, so let's eat!" Phil carried the plates to the table, taking his usual seat as Dan did the same, avoiding Phil's inquisitive glance all the while. There was a moment of silence, both men trying to think of something to say, because unbeknownst to the other, they wanted a friendship to form out of this unlikely arrangement. 

"I haven't had someone here in a while," Phil started, taking a drink of water and placing it back carefully, almost as a distraction, "it's actually quite nice to have company." 

The statement in itself was innocent enough, though it held lonely undertones, like maybe Phil was happier to have Dan here than he was letting on. But Phil's face remained neutral, the connotations of his declaration not making themselves obvious. 

"Have you ever had a roommate before?" Dan was genuinely curious; surely someone as nice as Phil had had other roommates before? He had a spare room, too, so it made sense. 

"Nope. I don't think I ever even advertised for one, either." 

"Why?" 

"I guess I just preferred my own company, and, don't get weirded out or anything, but..."

"That's worrying"

"Shut up! No, it's just, it wasn't until you turned up when I realised having someone else to talk to is nice." 

Dan couldn't help but smile, the grin stretching his lips farther than they'd gone in a while. He made Phil happy, or at least happier than he was, and that made him happy. 

"Damn right, too," Dan grinned again, "I'm an absolute delight." 

The two men laughed cheerfully, and Phil couldn't help but think he'd made a difference, even if it was a small one. He stared at the man opposite him, the brown of his eyes now flickering with a quiet amber hue, his dimples lighting up his face until their eyes locked. He was still smiling, but there was something more personal now, his bright eyes boring into Phil's like he wanted to say something else, but the moment passed. He picked up his fork and began eating again, glancing up at Phil occasionally, and that was that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter I'd already written, so updates from now on will be less regular, but I'm hoping things will get more interesting. Thank you for reading!


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Dan's first job interview in at least a year, he finds himself looking back on his past.

The woman observed Dan over the top of her horn rimmed reading glasses, having placed Dan's CV down a few moments prior. She seemed to have taken to staring him down instead of interviewing him, which he was sure was supposed to be happening, but instead he was frozen to the spot by her somewhat stony glare, despite the effort she had gone through earlier to make herself seem as approachable as possible. 

There was only so much eye contact Dan could maintain before his attention drifted, focussing instead on the now suddenly interesting clock hung up on the ugly beige coloured wall, each tick drilling away at the little patience he had the moment he walked through that door. What was she trying to accomplish by just sitting there? But he didn't say anything, instead dragging his eyes away from the ever so intriguing wall back to her, hoping this will prompt her to continue the meeting. 

"You don't seem to have much work experience here, Daniel." She sighed, taking the CV in her hands again to skim over the words Phil had helped him compose a few days ago. Dan slumped in his chair; he was waiting for the routine "we'll get back to you" only to sit waiting for a phone call that would never arrive. 

"But," she raised her left eyebrow slightly, "I see potential in you." Dan looked up at her hopefully, though there was a part of him telling him not to get too hopeful. That would only make the inevitable disappointment that much more painful. 

"We'll get back to you," Dan smiled, almost laughing innapropriately at the promise that almost surely wouldn't be kept, "have a good day" 

"Thank you for your time." Dan reached out for a firm handshake before leaving, something Phil had reminded him to do just before he left the apartment. What he was doing now, Dan didn't know. Probably filming a video or something while Dan was out of the way for a little while.

He sighed forlornly, deciding that he'd wait a couple of days for a potential response before looking for a new job. It was a shame, really. Dan quite liked the look of this place. It was only an office job, but it was a book publishing company, which would seem ironic given that he hadn't read properly in years, but it felt right, like he was honouring his mother's memory. 

*

"How did it go?"

Dan only had time to close the front door behind him before being bombarded by Phil, a mix of excitement and anxiety lighting his face as he shifted from foot to foot. 

"She said I had potential, but I wouldn't get your hopes up." Dan smiled weakly, throwing his newly bought blazer on the radiator. Well, Phil had bought it, but Dan had promised to pay him back once he got a job, which, at this rate, would not be for a while. 

"Have a little optimism."

"What's that?" 

Phil rolled his eyes before grabbing Dan's wrist suddenly, dragging him towards the kitchen forcefully, tripping over a pair of his old trainers in the process. 

"What's the rush?" Dan laughed, his own movements far more clumsy than the other man's, given that he had significantly less control over where he was headed. 

Phil halted suddenly, allowing Dan to crash into him violently, but he didn't apologize, simply turning around with a wide grin on his face.

"I feel like you've murdered someone and need help hiding the body," Dan sighed, a playful grin lighting his face, "there's no other logical explanation for a smile that big."

"No, I made you something, actually."

"Is it a pie made of the person you killed? That's cannibalism, Phil, and I don't know if I can condone that."

"No dead people, I swear." Phil held his hand up like he was actually swearing an oath before turning to open the fridge and re-emerging with a cake. It was a simple Victoria sponge sprinkled with icing sugar, but with one word piped on top with bright blue lettering: 

congratulations.

"You made this?" Phil nodded proudly, setting it down carefully on the counter, "took me hours, too. I made two cakes before this one. I burned the first one, and I... Actually forgot to put sugar in the second." 

"How do you forget to put sugar in a cake?" Dan laughed loudly, Phil's cheeks dusted with a subtle shade of red. 

"But really," Dan smiled warmly, looking at the cake with admiration; he could cook, but he didn't think he would have the patience to make something like this, "thank you. I love it!"

Phil looked up at him with wide eyes, smiling that beautiful smile, tongue poking from between his teeth like they always did when he was especially happy. 

"You really like it?" 

Dan nodded happily before placing his hand on the other man's shoulder, hoping this would help him articulate his gratitude. Once his fingers came into contact with the shirt, he froze suddenly, realising all at once how alien this whole experience was. He'd never had someone go out of their way to do something so kind for him before, and he'd never felt such an overwhelming feeling of affection for anyone else, having spent the majority of his life cutting himself off from society in a futile attempt to protect himself and shield others from his general negativity. 

Phil, who was oblivious to Dan's inner turmoil, was over the moon, despite the gesture in itself being subtle, and otherwise meaningless if it weren't Dan himself initiating it. He really hoped this moment would act as a huge leap in their relationship rather than a baby step, but honestly, he was happy with any progress he made, even if it were small. It was strange to think, little under a month ago, Dan had been much more visibly introverted, sometimes avoiding conversation altogether if it was the easier option, but here he was, putting himself out there, trying to get back on his feet and most importantly, actually talking to Phil even when it wasn't a necessity. 

"Well let's have some!" Phil's natural clumsy tendencies were bad enough as it was, but his excitement was at such a high altitude that he was sure he'd have dropped the plates if he had been moving even a little bit faster. Dan just watched, a look of pure amusement lighting up his face, though he made no move to help, simply leaning against the counter casually. 

"When you've finished laughing your ass off," Phil said sternly, placing the plates down with a quiet crash, "can you get a knife out for me?" 

*

Soon enough, the two men were sat on the sofa, Dan now clad in his pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt instead of his stuffy button up shirt. Dan would've liked to say he was getting used to the comfortable atmosphere that seemed to always be floating throughout the apartment, but really, it was still a strange feeling. Spending the majority of his life with a parent who acted like he didn't exist left him accustomed to that treatment, and it was probably the reason he turned out the way he did. 

With his dad, the house would often have an air of emptiness about it, like it wasn't a home. The air would turn to ice when his dad got home, but sometimes, Dan would dare to hope that he wouldn't crack open another can of beer. He was wrong. His dad had an addiction, but wouldn't accept help, brushing Dan away when he even tried to bring up the subject.  

*

"Hey, dad?" Dan slid into the dark living room, the floor littered with old pizza boxes and bottles of alcohol. His dad was sat on the sofa that he was pretty sure used to be white, but grew grey with age, worsening with every hour it was occupied. 

He grunted in acknowledgement, which was better than anything Dan had received in the past; usually he'd be blanked completely, not even a glance in his direction. 

"I think," he looked down at his hands, his left one picking at the skin of his other hand's fingers, "I think maybe you should stop drinking tonight." The words tumbled out of his mouth, but that was only the easiest part out of the way. His dad put his can on the table with a crash, staring at his son with a look of sudden resentment burning in his eyes. 

"What did you say?"

Dan's heartbeat sped up dramatically; a part of him knew his father wouldn't take this well, but never once did he think the reaction would be this severe. 

"I, uh..." But he didn't have time to say any more before his dad stood up, his figure intimidating, despite the fact that Dan was that little bit taller. 

"Don't tell me what I can't do." His voice was loud, though he wasn't quite shouting; it would've been better if he had been, though. Dan avoided his dad's icy glare, though it proved to be difficult the closer he came, his breathing now the loudest thing in the room next to Dan's own thoughts screaming at him to quit while he was ahead. 

"Pathetic. Can't even stand up for yourself." He smirked, his eyebrows scrunched as if to see if his son would react, but Dan refused to give him the satisfaction, instead maintaining the silence he'd established only a few moments ago. But his words hurt; every syllable was like another stab in the stomach, further engraving that he wasn't worthy of anything, not even the love of his own father, but he wasn't about to cry. 

"Just like your mother." His dad rarely mentioned her, if at all, which was probably why Dan froze, why he turned to meet his eyes, why he didn't care at all that he was finally providing the reaction his dad had been looking for. 

"Don't." It was a simple word, though it held a strong sense of hostility, letting it be known that Dan was willing to protect his mother even if it meant putting himself in harm's way. He wasn't about to let him disrespect his mother, the woman who had put up with more hardship than she deserved until she couldn't take it any more. That thing glaring at him was the reason his mum didn't want to hold on any more, and no matter how much she had taught him to be kind, Dan couldn't find it in himself to forgive his father. 

"You have no right to use her in your weak attempt at an insult." Dan's voice was quiet, though it broke slightly under the weight of the situation, "she doesn't deserve that." 

His dad blinked for a moment but it didn't take him long to reclaim his domineering demeanor, now trying his best to tower over his son. 

"You know why she died?" He'd never blatantly addressed the fact that she had died, always brushing it aside as if she'd simply left. But this time, he said it so casually that Dan wasn't sure if he'd heard correctly. 

"Because of you"

Three words. Four syllables. That's all it took for that first tear to fall, as much as he tried to blink it away. 

Dan would be lying if he said he hadn't thought the same thing, but never once did he think his father would say it out loud, especially not in that vicious tone of voice. But this was his dad he was talking about, nothing was off limits with him. Truthfully, it was too optimistic of him to think this would never be brought up in an argument. 

The corners of his father's lips curled up, pleased with himself before settling back in his seat, where he was sure to stay the rest of the evening, maybe up until he had to leave the next morning for work. 

"Do everyone a favour and just leave."

What started out as a single tear turned into several as he turned his back on the thing that was supposed to be his dad, towards his room, where he was more likely than not going to cry himself to sleep. 

*

Dan looked over to the man digging into his food, crumbs falling onto his shirt, and smiled to himself. Things could have been so much worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I hope you enjoyed the insight into Dan's past. Honestly, I'm not entirely happy with my writing in this chapter, so I'd really appreciate any feedback or advice you wonderful people have to offer! Thank you for reading :)


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a heartbreaking discussion late at night, Dan and Phil realise how much they care for the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will mention a suicide attempt in moderate detail, so I recommend you don't read this if you are severely affected by these topics. If this is the case, I'm sending you all my love, and everything will be okay in the end x

He sat at the bridge wall, cars rushing past, though none of them stopped to see if he was okay. Maybe they hadn't seen him? Maybe they couldn't bring themselves to care? Either way, they didn't stop, simply continuing their journeys, oblivious to the young man sitting dangerously close to the edge of a far too high up bridge. 

The concept of falling wasn't as terrifying as it would have seemed a few months ago, instead he thought of it with a sense of relief; he wouldn't have to struggle through every day pretending he was okay anymore. It could finally end. 

He allowed himself a moment to take in the warm sun on his skin before pushing himself away from the bridge wall, deciding that it would be better to do it sooner rather than later, but before he could reach the water, Phil woke up. 

*

He sat bolt upright, heart beating through his thin t-shirt, looking around his heavily decorated room in a vain attempt to bring his heart rate down. He hadn't had a dream like that in a while. It didn't take him long to realise why it had happened, though that didn't stop a tear from escaping his eye, leaving a cold trail of water down his cheek as if to remind him of his weakness. 

His thoughts drifted to the boy in the next room, who was either sleeping soundly, or having a very similar dream, which only made him cry even more so. If he was having dreams like this, years after it actually happened, what was Dan going through right now? Could Dan even get to sleep at all? What if, every time he says he's okay, every time he says he's feeling better, it's a lie? Or at least an attempt to make himself believe his own words? 

Phil didn't realise how much noise he had been making until he heard a light knock at his door, seemingly out of nowhere; he was so used to living alone, that the fact that he now had a roommate kind of escaped his memory. 

"Phil?" Dan's voice was muffled through the door, though it was clear he was worried. Phil didn't respond immediately; he hadn't shown this emotional, more human part of him to many people before, the few who had being his parents and his brother. They always knew what to say because they were close, but other people... He wasn't sure if other people would react in the same way, so it was just easier for him to hide these feelings away from them. 

But Dan was different. They had more in common than Phil was willing to admit, so surely he was the best person to turn to? Dan knew how to treat things like this, right? They'd talked about Dan's experiences, however briefly, but they'd never discussed his own problems; they'd just never come up, or even made themselves known until now. 

"Come in" Phil said, wiping tears away from his eyes as Dan shuffled through the doorway, eyebrows furrowed together in concern. He made his way over to the bed, sitting down next to Phil, just like Phil had done for him on the first night. 

"Are you okay?" Dan asked quietly, clasping his hands tightly in his lap. Though it was quite obvious that Dan wasn't used to being in a situation like this, it still made the other man's heart warm with fondness at the fact he was trying at all. It would have been easier for Dan to ignore him, simply getting on with his own evening uninterrupted, yet here he was, making sure Phil was alright. 

"Not really." There was no point even trying to deny that he had been crying moments before; his cheeks were still glistening with the tears that had not yet dried and his eyes were red and puffy. 

"Do you want to tell me why?" 

"Yes" 

There was a long silence as Phil searched his brain for the right words, occasionally thinking he'd found the right combination only to throw it away a second later. He wanted to do this right.

"When I found you on the bridge," Phil glanced at the other man out of the corner of his eye, though he hadn't reacted visibly, "it reminded me of..." 

He didn't know why it was so difficult to get the words out; he'd already established a few moments prior that if anyone was to understand this, it would be Dan. Maybe it was because he was so used to keeping his problems to himself, letting them bubble away inside him, letting them make him feel very much not okay, but unwilling to admit it to anyone else. 

"I tried to end my own life." The words were out there now, but the tension in Phil's chest refused to subside, simply growing heavier with every second of silence. 

"Tried?" Dan spoke softly, like he was afraid of saying the wrong thing, like he was stepping around glass.

"I would have done it, too." He took a shaky breath, eyes flicking up towards Dan, who was already watching him intently, like he was hanging on his every word, "but I got a phonecall from my mum. I don't know why I answered it. Maybe there was a part of me that wanted her to call, I don't know. But in that moment, after hearing her voice, after hearing how worried she was that I hadn't come home yet, I just couldn't do it." 

The memories invaded his mind, like simply saying them out loud opened the floodgate holding everything back, and in turn, allowed the tears to fall at a greater speed than they had ever done before. He cried ugly sobs, not caring how unattractive he surely was at this point, but Dan didn't seem to care, sliding himself across the mattress and holding Phil in his arms. Phil sobbed into the younger man's neck, dampening his shirt, but Dan didn't complain, only holding him tighter until the cries became quieter. 

Phil felt truly safe in the other man's grip, and for a moment, he thought that maybe nothing could hurt him now, but this was real life. The moment Dan let go, he would have to face the harsh reality of actually having to deal with your problems instead of hiding them until a situation like this happened. 

"When I found you at that bridge," Phil's tears had died down significantly now, though he was currently in that post-breakdown state of making ugly snort sounds, "it didn't occur to me immediately what you were doing there, like you would have thought. I feel terrible about it now, because it makes me think of the people passing me when I tried to..."

"They ignored me," he continued, "like I almost ignored you."

A fresh wave of tears fell; they weren't nearly as heavy as they had been before, though they held the same intense feelings of sadness, like nothing could possibly make him even remotely happy again. 

"I'm glad you didn't," Dan's arms around his torso remained as firm as they had been when he first pulled him into the embrace, "because if you did, I would never have got to meet you, one of the nicest, most caring, and probably clumsiest people I know." 

Phil pulled away ever so slightly to look up at the other man, whose features held nothing but agreement towards his statement, tears glistening in his own eyes. 

Dan really knew exactly what to say, just like Phil expected he would, though it would have been a bit forward of him to expect the younger to want anything to do with this situation at all in the first place. 

"You're alright, too." Phil gave a watery smile, leaning back into the warm embrace. 

"Do you want me to sleep in here tonight?" Dan's question was very much unexpected, but it was equally welcomed. There was something about this hug that left Phil craving closeness; not in a romantic way or anything, just affectionate and friendly. Just bros being guys. 

"Please." His response came out as a tad bit needy, but he didn't care as much as he probably should have, simply settling himself under the duvet as Dan did the same, however mindful he was about keeping a decent distance between the two of them. 

"Hey," Dan whispered into the silence of the room now that the light had been switched off, "if you need anything, I'm right here." It was probably only meant to apply to this particular situation, but Phil couldn't help but hope it was a promise to be kept as long as they lived together. 

*

"Oh shitshitshitshitshitshitshit"

Phil was woken up by distant mumblings and the instantly recognisable sound of anxious pacing, something he wasn't unfamiliar to himself. He sat up slowly to see Dan, who was indeed pacing, wringing his hands together all the while, eyes wide with panic.

"Dan? What's the matter?" Dan jumped at Phil's voice, startling him out of his frenzy until he came to a halt, sitting down lightly by Phil's feet. 

"I got the job." 

"That's good, isn't it?" 

"In theory"

"But?"

"But I start in two days!" Dan exploded, "That's far too short notice! I need to mentally prepare myself! I need to get work clothes! I need to-"

"Dan!" Dan shut up instantly, though the panic was still evident on his face, and if he looked closely, Phil was sure he could see beads of sweat on his forehead.

"Last night you said you'd be here for me." Dan nodded, "well I'm saying I'll be here for you, too, okay? I know it's easier said than done, but stop panicking. I'll be here every step of the way." It was a simple promise, but that was all it seemed to take for Dan to calm down considerably, or enough for him to no longer look like he was on the verge of hyperventilating. 

"Thank you" he said finally, letting himself fall back onto the mattress, "you know, for calming me down and stuff" 

"That's what friends do." A part of him, however small it was, was apprehensive about using this word, knowing it held a lot of weight despite it's simplicity. But it felt right, referring to Dan as a friend, given everything they'd gone through already. 

"Friend." Dan said quietly, rolling the word around in his mouth like he'd never said it before, but what if he hadn't? Phil shook his head; Dan must have had one friend at some point, even if it was years ago. 

"Right," Phil said suddenly, throwing his duvet away from him as he bounced up, far too energetic for this early in the morning, "let's get you ready for this job"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you liking this book so far? I mentioned last chapter that I'm not liking my writing style too much, but I think this chapter is a little better than the last one. Again, I'd love any advice or feedback you have to offer, frens. Once more, thank you for reading.


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Dan's first day at his new job, and it's pretty clear to everyone around him how scared he really is.

"It's going to be fine." Phil looked up at Dan from behind his laptop, watching the other man fidget uncontrollably in his seat, which would surely break under the weight if he carried on for much longer. 

"How do you know?" Dan was due to leave the apartment in about half an hour, so really, there wasn't any point in worrying about it longer than necessary, but that was far easier said than done. He couldn't help but let his mind drift towards the worst possible outcomes; what if he was late? What if his new colleagues didn't like him? What if he couldn't handle the workload? What if - 

"Dan. You're thinking too much." It was quite obvious to Phil where the other man's mind was at; you couldn't miss the vacant look in his eyes, or the way his fingers fiddled with each other relentlessly, or the way he crossed and uncrossed his legs almost uncontrollably; fear practically radiated from him.

"No shit, Sherlock." Dan huffed, standing up suddenly to look at himself in the mirror, straightening his tie, though his eyes met Phil's in the reflection. In that moment, it was like all- or at least most- of the anxiety that had built up in Dan's head over the past couple of days seemed to have slipped away into irrelevance. 

"Sorry." His voice was low and full of something that could only be described as regret as he sat down again, slumping back into the cushions. 

"There's nothing to apologise for." Dan smiled quietly before letting his head hang so he could only look at the floor below him, allowing a strange silence to fall over the two men. Deep down, Dan knew how childish he was acting, and he regretted the words almost the moment they had left his mouth; Phil had been nothing but understanding the whole time he'd been here, yet this was how he treated him? 

"I think I'd better go now." Dan stood up, shrugging his bag on, despite the fact that he still had twenty minutes to go, before he felt Phil's grip on his wrist. Phil retracted his grasp almost instantly before standing up himself to meet Dan's eyes, swimming with apprehension, along with any other relatively negative emotion. 

"Just..." He bit his lip, wondering if he should go in for a hug, but eventually deciding against it last second, "good luck. You're going to do amazing." 

"Thanks, Phil." It meant a lot more to Dan than he let on; the last time he started a new job, his dad barely glanced in his direction, let alone wish him luck. He didn't want to have to think about his father on a day like this, but he invaded his thoughts as he closed the door behind him. 

If it was possible for the apartment to get more quiet than it had been, the moment Dan left, it did just that. It was an eerie kind of quiet that would usually leave Phil feeling on edge, and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't escape the feeling. After staring into space for a good five minutes, he finally decided he ought to distract himself until Dan got home, and hopefully, his return would bring good news. 

*

"Looking forward to starting your first day?" Anne, the woman who had interviewed him a few days ago but he'd never bothered to listen to her name until now, was smiling widely, far too much so, but Dan wasn't about to piss her off this early in his employment. Her attitude seemed to have changed dramatically since he'd first walked through the office doors, but that was probably down to the change in circumstances. 

He nodded as enthusiastically as he could, despite every part of him telling him to run out of the building, back home. 

"So I'm going to get you to shadow someone for the first few days, let them show you the ropes and stuff, you know?" Shit. That meant he had absolutely no excuse to not talk to people. But he carried on nodding like he had no care in the world.

"So I'm going to pair you with Tyler." She smiled fondly, "He loves showing the new recruits around. You'll get along fantastically. Just go to the fifth floor and look for the guy with green hair." Green hair? 

So he left the room with a fleeting smile in her direction, only the tiniest of weights having been taken off his chest and before he knew it, he'd entered the fifth floor office, the room filled with rows of computer desks, but there weren't any dividers, like Dan had expected there to be. And instead of everyone sitting at their desks, typing on their computers mechanically, the atmosphere was far more relaxed. There were people wandering around, albeit with purpose, chatting with coworkers or in a small sitting area. Really, it was the kind of environment Dan was excited about working in; the only problem was keeping the job.

He suddenly caught a glimpse of bright green, following it absently until finding it's owner; a muscular, yet slightly short man talking animatedly with a small group of other people. 

Shit.

A group of people, but he only needed to talk to one of them. How rude would they think he was if he interrupted them only to take one of them away? He didn't want to start his time here coming across as inconsiderate. 

But before his mind could spiral any further, the green haired man caught his eye, waving his friends away before approaching him.

"Hey, I haven't seen you here before," he gave a friendly smile, brushing a hand through his hair absently, "you must be Dan?" Dan only nodded; he had quite a loud voice with a slight American accent. It was unreasonable to judge a person after exchanging only a few words, but already, Tyler seemed to be far more extroverted than he would ever dream of being. He was about ninety percent sure that they wouldn't even glance in each other's direction in different circumstances, but maybe this was a good thing? Maybe this Tyler could bring him out of his shell? But it was far too early to even hope for this; Dan hadn't even said a single word yet. 

"I'll introduce you to the guys, then," he turned around swiftly, gesturing for Dan to follow, which he did, but not before tripping over himself in his haste, "I know it's daunting or whatever, but it's great here, you'll fit in in no time." Fit in in no time? Just getting here was a feat in itself, so actually getting on well here would be an even bigger task, but he didn't dare say this out loud.

It would be easier if Phil was here with him; they could just stick to themselves if they wanted to, away from everyone else. But maybe having Phil with him would make talking to the others less terrifying. 

"Hey, friends!" Tyler shouted out to a group of people sat on one of the sofas. They looked up at the two men approaching them, and Dan shrank back into his jacket; he was a nervous wreck at the best of times, but now attention was focussed on him, it would be ten times worse. 

"So this is Dan," Dan waved, flashing a small smile as the others waved back, giving a chorus of greetings, "I'm going to be showing him around. Tell him who to avoid and shit like that." They laughed, even Dan, who would usually try to find a way out of this situation, but seeing as he had no choice, he had to stick around. But at the same time, he wanted to reinvent himself in a way; he didn't want to be the sad loner anymore. He wanted to be Dan. 

*

"Move, I'm gay" Tyler elbowed the man at the photocopier out of the way, replacing the previous documents with his own. 

"Bitch, me too" the man regained his balance, though he didn't look angry. Was this a regular occurrence? Dan watched silently, honestly in awe at how well Tyler seemed to get on well with everybody he came across, having greeted at least six people on the way to the printing room. 

Tyler laughed before turning his attention back to Dan, though making a point of not moving out of the way.

"Right, so when you scan stuff, make sure the lid is all the way down," Tyler had to push it down with a little more effort than would have been thought necessary, "it must be broken, but no one can be bothered to bring it up with Anne." 

"mood"

The word just slipped out of his mouth; he was so used to saying the first thing that popped into his head when he was with Phil. An unreasonable amount of fear washed over him, but to his relief, Tyler smiled widely, the man behind them even laughing a little. 

"I got you to talk!" Tyler was positively beaming at his accomplishment; had Dan really been that quiet? With Phil, it was easy to talk; he'd made it very easy, what with having shown him such generous levels of kindness so early on, but with these new people, it wasn't quite as simple. Tyler was nice enough, in fact, Dan wanted to befriend him almost the moment they'd met, but like most things in his life, his own mind was holding him back. 

Maybe this could be the moment in which he actually killed that part of his mind. 

But he just smiled; it's not as easy as 'just' talking or 'just' getting over your fear of rejection. That's not how it works. 

"It's fine," the other man in the room spoke up, "I've met a few quiet people in my life" he held his hand out to Dan, which he shook firmly.

"I'm PJ" 

"Is that your real name?"

He laughed, "yeah. It's odd, like me, so it's perfect."

"I'm Dan" 

The exchange was simple, yet it left Dan with an overwhelming sense of pride; he couldn't remember the last person he'd talked to, other than Phil, without making a fool of himself in some way or another. 

It seemed like a bond had been formed between the three men, the two being the first Dan had properly talked to so far, and frankly, Dan was satisfied. This was progress, even if it was only a baby step. 

*

Phil honestly didn't know what to do now that his apartment had been submerged back into the state of dullness it had been in before Dan had come to stay. Even if both men weren't actively talking to each other, there was something comforting and... Safe about being in Dan's company. He honestly thought he was being ridiculous, feeling this lonely despite the fact that Dan had only been gone for a few hours, and even then, was it even appropriate to feel this way? When he thought about it properly, they hadn't known each other for that long at all; a couple of months at most, yet the meaning of independence had seemed to have been thrown out of the window. 

While deep in thought, it hadn't occurred to him that he'd ended up staring out of said window until a flock of birds flew past, snapping him out of it. He sighed, looking down at the people who actually had lives to be getting on with, while he just stayed at home, waiting for who could only be described as his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you look at that, he just said they're best friends! I'm hoping to elaborate on Phil's reasoning behind this next chapter, so look forward to that. Sorry for the late update; I just haven't been feeling it as of late. 
> 
> Thank you for your patience and thank you for reading!


	10. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil try to understand their feelings, but are left unsure.

"Best friend."

It wasn't a phrase that Phil would throw around lightly, yet it left a sweet aftertaste in his mouth, like it was something he was meant to realise sooner or later. 

Phil didn't really have any friends, as sad as that sounded. Sure, he'd met a few people through YouTube, but that wasn't the same as having a real person to talk to, someone to tell you everything's going to be okay, someone to hold you close while you cry on their shoulder long into the night. He cast his mind back to the night where Dan did exactly that. He knew exactly what Phil had gone through, having only experienced the same thing a few weeks prior. He was absolutely certain that this was a contributing factor as to why they'd become so close over the week since that evening. It was empathy. 

It was the best feeling in the world to have someone in your life like that, and Phil was incredibly grateful that he had Dan.

Dan was his best friend.

*

It was about midday now, and Phil had just set himself on the sofa to play a Mario kart  marathon when his phone started ringing, displaying Dan's name. Phil almost dropped the remote on the floor in his haste, but somehow managed to answer without breaking anything. 

"Hi Dan!" 

"Hi! Just wanted to check in." Dan sounded relatively calm, which was comforting, "not getting too lonely without me, are you?"

"Well," Phil glanced to the game, which was ready to start his solo session, "Mario kart is much more fun with two people, but I think I'll survive." 

"Don't worry, we can play some when I get home. Get ready to lose!" 

"Yeah right." Phil huffed quietly, listening to Dan's laughter on the other end. He glanced towards the TV again before an idea emerged, a radical concept, some might say. 

"Hey Dan."

"Hey Phil"

"I've just had an idea"

A brief silence.

"I'm scared"

"You can always say no" 

"I'm getting even more scared" 

Phil sighed dramatically.

"Right, so you know I do this YouTube thing?" He honestly didn't know how Dan would react; it was an innocent, fun idea, but what if he was uncertain about putting himself on the internet? It was understandable, so Phil wouldn't mind if his idea was rejected, but it would still be a nice idea. 

"Would you like to be in one of my videos?" He held his breath.

"What kind of thing were you thinking of doing?" This was a good sign.

"Maybe just play Mario kart? It'll be fun, but you don't have to if you don't want to." 

Dan was silent for a moment, probably thinking it over before replying, "yeah, sounds good! You're still going to lose, though."

"Don't be so sure about that, Howell." 

"Who are you talking to, Dan" a new voice from Dan's end piped up suddenly. Phil felt a light tug in his stomach.

"My friend, Phil." Dan answered confidently enough, and the tug turned into a warm tingle; this was probably the first time either of them had outright referred to the other as a friend. Phil couldn't help but feel a brief sense of triumph over the stranger, though he knew how ridiculous he was being. Dan was allowed to talk to other people, as long as they didn't get too friendly. 

Why did he care so much? 

"Sorry," Dan spoke up again, "that was Tyler. He's showing me around the offices and stuff." 

"Is he nice?" 

"I guess? We haven't known each other that long. Don't worry, though, he won't replace you." Dan's laughter seemed to fill the otherwise silent living room, and it was oddly infectious.

"Good, I'm just glad you're getting on okay." Phil released the breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding.

"I'm going to have to go now, but I'm looking forward to beating you at Mario kart." He laughed once more.

"Bye!" 

And the room was just as silent as it was before, maybe even more so. He sighed, looking over to the console, coming to the conclusion that it'd help him in the long run if he were to get some practice in now before Dan got home. 

*

"So, Phil, huh?" Tyler was perched on top of Dan's new desk, still relatively empty apart from the boxy computer that looked like it belonged in the 80s and a tub of stationary he was probably going to end up stealing. 

"What about him?" Dan was setting up his work email account, but Tyler's legs dangling right next to his face were only distracting him. 

"Is he your boyfriend?" Dan's eyes darted up towards the other, who was grinning cheekily, like he knew how awkward the situation had just become. 

"Uh... n-no, what- what gives you that idea?" He spluttered, feeling himself go furiously red. Phil was his best friend, nothing more. But did he want more? No! Yes? Maybe? 

"Why have you gone red, then?" Tyler laughed evilly, throwing his head back.

"I hate you."

"I'm sorry." Tyler swung himself off the table gracefully, turning his smirk a sympathetic smile, "is it complicated?" 

"Not really..." Dan started quietly as the other's eyes grew wide with interest, "I just... I don't know." He slumped back in his chair, spinning it around ever so slightly as he watched Tyler out of the corner of his eye, who honestly looked like he'd dropped the subject earlier.

But the fact still stood: Dan didn't know what he wanted out of his relationship with Phil. Maybe it was presumptuous of him to even consider wanting anything more than he already had, or maybe it was simply asking too much? There was a very good chance that Phil didn't have the same thoughts, so there really wasn't any point pondering it any further, despite the strange feeling in his stomach or the way his heartbeat would speed up just thinking about Phil, but that was normal, right? 

"Right, um," this was the first time all day Tyler was at a loss for words; he always managed to fill even the most awkward of silences with a joke or something dumb, so this was out of character, to say the least. He looked down at Dan with his wide eyes that looked very much... Pitiful? 

"It looks like it's time to go home," he looked down at his watch before looking up to smile at Dan again, "you could drop in on Phil before you go home?" 

"Yeah, I forgot to mention," he laughed quietly, "we kind of live together." 

Tyler started with wide eyes, doubling over in surprise with a quiet oof sound.

"I'm not saying that's a big deal, but that's a big deal." 

"Thanks, Tyler," Dan stood up, picking up his bag, "I'll see you tomorrow." 

All he heard as he left the office was laughter on the brink of insanity and something that sounded a lot like "get in there", but he couldn't bring himself to respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter was a bit too dialogue heavy for you, I just wanted to develop relationship dynamics in that way because it felt appropriate. Thank you for your patience, and thank you for reading!


	11. Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan returns from his first day of work to spend some time with Phil

The bus ride home was as uneventful as one would have expected, the only source of entertainment coming from the occasional raindrop falling down the fogged up window. With every drop of water, Dan came to realise how tired he really was, his eyelids drooping every so often, bringing him dangerously close to unconsciousness. The only thing stopping him from doing just that were the potholes littering the road, causing the vehicle to spasm violently, jerking him back to life.

It was oddly entertaining watching the heads of the other passengers sway in unison with every bump and bend in the road, not unlike the little figures you'd see on a foosball table.

He let out a sigh maybe a tad louder than anticipated, but, as if on cue, his phone vibrated in his hand, where it had been ignored in favour of staring into space.

From Phil 5:37 

Nearly home yet?

He allowed himself a moment to smile to himself, warmth seeming to radiate from the screen.

To Phil 5:38

Don't worry, I'll be home soon enough to beat you at Mario kart

And at that moment, he remembered the idea Phil had proposed a few hours prior; it wasn't a bad idea at all, in fact, he found himself looking forward to the whole ordeal but when you put yourself on the internet, you have to consider the whole picture, like who can see you? More specifically, can bad people see you? In this case, Dan found himself pondering the possibility of his Dad stumbling upon said video once it went public. The chances were slim, but Phil was a relatively big YouTuber; the video had a good chance of ending up on the site's homepage, where his dad was sure to notice him. 

This was stupid; he shook his head a little too violently considering he was in full sight of the other passengers. He was an adult, for Christ's sake, why should he let his dad dictate his every choice like he still had full control over him? He was going to film that video with Phil, regardless of whether his dad should happen to stumble upon it or not; it was none of his bloody business. 

*

"I'm home!" Dan's voice rang through the otherwise silent apartment, and it took less than ten seconds for Phil to appear in the living room doorway, leaning nonchalantly on the frame, doing a poor impersonation of someone who definitely hadn't been waiting for the other to get home all day. 

Dan draped his jacket across the radiator, letting his mind delve deeper into uncharted territories; what does one do in a situation like this? Go in for a hug? That wouldn't give off any romantic implications, would it? It was quite clear that the other had missed him a great deal, despite his efforts to hide it, but before he could think any more, he felt two arms wrap around him, albeit loosely. He stared up in surprise at Phil, who had seemed to have read his mind and taken the liberty of initiating said hug, though his face had turned a deep scarlet colour, as if scared of rejection. 

But as quickly as the two men came into contact, Phil let go, his arms falling limply to his side's once more.

"Sorry, I should have asked you if you wanted to-" he flustered, "the apartment has just been too quiet without you and... And maybeimissedyouatinybit" the floor must have become extremely interesting at that particular moment, because not a moment later, he was staring intently down at it, like he was analysing every bit of thread in the carpet.

It was probably the nicest thing Dan had ever heard, so nice, in fact, that he wasn't sure he'd heard correctly, but before he knew it, he found himself approaching Phil of his own accord, placing his arms around the other man's waist firmly and holding him in a warm embrace. 

"I missed you too" it was honestly a very dramatic return from work, but Dan wasn't complaining; it was nice to feel appreciated for once. 

They held each other for a few moments, Dan becoming increasingly aware of how close Phil was to his neck, but that didn't matter. This second hug was far more relaxed than the first, though it seemed to have ended far sooner.

Phil pulled away gently, his cheeks still dusted a pale shade of red, but this time along with a bright smile lighting his face.

"Shall we film that video?" 

*

"I've actually never done anything like this before" Dan's voice seemed to have almost disappeared as his anxiety took the wheel. 

Phil looked away from the light stands, which he had been fiddling with up until now with no visible effect, to give Dan a sympathetic look.

"I was like that when I first started," he sat back down on the sofa, causing it to dip to accommodate the added weight, "but it will be easier for you because you're with me! We can just pretend the camera's not there and just have fun." 

It was an odd concept for sure, and it would be fun, though his mind drifted back to his father, despite his constant efforts to remind himself that that was irrelevant.

"There's something else on your mind, though, isn't there?" A hand placed itself on Dan's shoulder, and he seemed to relax his muscles with the touch. He looked up to meet Phil's eyes, swimming with concern, searching his face. There was no point in keeping it to himself, that would only allow the anxiety to bubble away inside him until he just couldn't handle it any more, even if the fear was irrational. 

"It's just my dad," he resolved finally, slumping in his seat, Phil's hand still on his shoulder, "I know I'm being ridiculous, but I'm worried he'll find the video even though he's never been on YouTube in his life and if he does..." He was stuck; what would happen if his dad happened to find said video? It's not like he'd be able to track them down or anything. Phil wasn't stupid enough to leave his address on the internet for anyone to find.

Phil moved closer, throwing his arm fully over Dan's shoulders, "I completely understand. You don't have to do this if you really don't want to." Dan looked up at the other man, smiling sympathetically while still maintaining a warm grip on his frame. 

"But that's the thing," Dan sighed tiredly, "I really want to, I just need to stop letting him control my actions, you know?" He leaned into Phil's touch, finally allowing himself to appreciate the alien feeling of being cared for. 

They sat in a silence that wasn't awkward in any way, simply holding the mutual understanding that they were there to support each other. About five minutes later, Dan finally worked up the energy, albeit reluctantly, to pull away from the embrace, retrieve the console controllers and return back at Phil's side, letting a now- genuine smile light up his face. 

"Ready?"

"Hell yeah."

*

"Hey guys!" Phil's voice was loud and bubbly as he waved at the camera, smiling widely. Every video of his started this way, Dan had noticed, having spent a whole evening binging everything on his channel, which just so happened to be called AmazingPhil. 

"I'd like to introduce you to a very special guest!" Phil turned to face Dan, giving him a subtle look of encouragement, "do you want to say hi?" 

Looking into Phil's wide eyes was enough to calm him down, enveloping him in a sense of safety that seemed to give him the motivation he needed to open his mouth.

"Hello internet, I'm Dan." He wasn't entirely sure what to do with his hands so eventually opted for a slightly awkward salute to the camera, "Phil wanted me to beat him at Mario kart while being recorded, so I agreed" a cushion that may or may not have been thrown by Phil collided with his shoulder suddenly with a cry of "we'll see about that, Howell" and with that, the game began.

*

Dan was doing a very poor job of hiding his excitement, having won three out of five of the races, much to Phil's outrage, who was now sulking in his seat, pouting quietly. 

"I think it's time to say goodbye" Phil piped up finally, after Dan had finished celebrating.

"You're only saying that because you lost" Dan jeered playfully, though he put his controller down in agreement. Phil finally emerged from his sulk to look up at Dan, smiling again, and it was clear that he really didn't care about the game at all.

He began saying goodbye to the audience, but Dan couldn't pay too much attention to the words being said. It was one thing watching all of Phil's videos, though it was something completely different watching him up close. Phil didn't once look away from the camera as he spoke, he pronounced everything clearly and held himself with an air of confidence that Dan couldn't help but admire. 

"And that's that!" Phil must have turned off the camera now, as his voice had lowered slightly to what he was used to, "what do you think?" 

"I thought it was great!" Dan found himself answering far more enthusiastically than he predicted, "I hope we can do another one day?" 

Phil looked positively thrilled, rolling his chair forwards suddenly so he could trap Dan in another hug. Their earlier embrace seemed to have held far more weight than this one, considering it had been the first time they'd properly come into contact with each other, but by no means did that mean this one was any less meaningful. Phil's arms were wrapped tightly around Dan's, so tight that he couldn't move, but it was nice all the same, infecting him with the excitement that hadn't yet seemed to set in. 

"Sorry," Phil's voice was muffled in Dan's shoulder, "I get huggy when I'm happy." 

"Don't apologize" Dan laughed, thinking these bone crushing hugs were definitely more than worth it if it meant Phil was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First thing first, I'd like to apologize for taking so long to get this part out. I've had parts of this chapter written ever since the last chapter was published, but only just now got round to finishing it. I'd like to thank you for your patience.
> 
> In other news, I'm hoping to include a bit more of an engaging story instead of "Dan did this, Phil did that" you know? 
> 
> And thank you so much for all the hits, kudos, lovely comments and bookmarks! I really appreciate it! 
> 
> I hope you're enjoying this so far, and again, thank you for reading!


	12. Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mentions of rape. Please skip this part of you are severely affected by this. 
> 
> There is also homophobia and the use of f****t. I do not condone using this word in real life, I only use it in this chapter to express a character's views.

*three months earlier*

"I love you, Dan." Chris watched the other boy with lustful eyes, like he was carefully planning his next move, like a lion hunting it's prey. Upon hearing those three words, Dan froze, the previously pleasant cool air of the night now seeming to freeze everything, including his mind. 

"What?" His voice cracked.

Chris smiled, but it wasn't the kind grin Dan was used to; it was twisted somehow.

"I love you. Always have, always will." He smirked before leaning in suddenly, forcing his lips onto Dan's, and in theory, Dan should have liked it, but there was something wrong about this; he didn't want Chris in that way. 

He lifted up his arms in an attempt to push the other man away, but in turn, he was pushed against the cold brick of the convenience store's wall and held there with a vice like grip. 

He wanted to cry out, to run away, anything, but Chris was kissing him roughly, so hard that all Dan could do was make a pathetic sound in his throat that was somewhere between a whine and a cry. If it was possible for Chris' grip to get any tighter, it did, damn near cutting off all blood supply to his hands, which were now pinned above his head, leaving him feeling more vulnerable than he'd ever been before. 

Dan clinged on to the vain hope that Chris would stop soon, that someone would come to save him, despite being in one of the quietest parts of the neighborhood, or maybe this was just a horrible dream. He just had to wake up.

Chris unconnected their lips, but instead, reattaching himself to Dan's neck, sure to leave angry bruises that would haunt him for weeks to come, if he were to survive, that is. 

"Stop! Please!" Dan's desperate voice must have been carried away by the wind, and his struggles must have gone unnoticed, for his request was ignored, or maybe it only pushed his attacker to become stronger, to assert his dominance. 

"Please..." 

It didn't matter to Chris that his feelings clearly weren't mutual, it didn't matter that Dan wasn't being compliant, it didn't matter that Dan was scared out of his mind, all that mattered was how much he wanted to touch the boy he'd been pining after for years; he got tired of waiting. 

"No one's going to hear you, you know." The words sent chills down Dan's spine, a final wave of hopelessness washing over him as Chris pulled down his jeans. 

*

Dan walked. 

Back to his father. 

Pretending everything was okay.

But it wasn't. 

You don't think these things will happen to you. Especially not to a guy. 

With every step he took, Dan was filled with overwhelming dread; he couldn't say anything. Who would believe him? That man... Was supposed to be his best friend, why would he do anything like that to him? There was no point reporting it to the police. He could already see the judgemental looks, the raised eyebrows, the constant questions of 'are you sure you didn't misunderstand the situation?' for what is there to misunderstand? That man had forced himself on Dan, and there was nothing he could do about it. He had tried, but his attacker was too strong. 

Dan hesitated at his front door, the paint now withering away, much like Dan's hope in humanity, like his will to carry on living in this world. His father was on the other side, unaware that his son was two hours late back home, busy drinking his life away, not that Dan cared. 

He wiped his cheeks of the tears that had escaped the constraints of his eyes before opening the door to see his father sat on the stairs, bottle of beer in hand, but his eyes trained on his son. 

"Where have you been?" His voice was slightly slurred, so he was obviously drunk, as usual. 

"Out." Dan couldn't bring himself to elaborate; he just wanted to go to sleep in the vain hope that this whole thing was, in fact, a nightmare, and he just needed to wake up again, but his father was having none of it. He stood up, stumbling over to Dan, though able to maintain his threatening, domineering appearance. 

"That's not good enough, son." What should have been an affectionate term of address was injected with ice, making Dan's blood run cold; he was frozen in place. 

"And what's this?" He lifted his hand to Dan's collar, pulling it down to reveal a trail of bruises that should've been called hickies, if they weren't left with such force. 

Shit.

"Who were you with?" His voice was low, sneering, like he knew the answer already, he just wanted to hear the words come out of his son's mouth. But how was he meant to say that he had been assualted, let alone by another man? 

"You were with Chris, weren't you?" His eyes burned into the bruises, the hand on Dan's collar gripping so tightly that he wouldn't be surprised if he was choked. That's probably what his father wanted at this point, anyway. 

He was tired of being thrown around by other men. 

His silence must have been enough to prove his point, for not a moment later, his eyes squinted with an odd mix of triumph and anger, throwing Dan down onto the floor. 

For far too long had Dan had to put up with this sorry excuse of a father, putting alcohol before his own son. Sure, they were both pretty depressed after the passing of Dan's mum, but that was no fucking excuse to completely ignore him unless he had some drink inside him. 

He pushed himself up from the floor, looking his dad straight in the eye, adrenaline the only thing forcing him onwards. 

He was tired of being thrown around by other men.

"So what if I'm fucking gay, what are you gonna do about it?" He spat, "beat the gay out of me?" 

Never had Dan stood up to his father like this, so it was no surprise that he was at a loss for words, but only for a second before he bounced back. 

"Maybe not, but I can kick you out!" 

"You can't do that! I'm your son!" 

"Get the fuck out of my house, you faggot!" 

"What?" 

Everything seemed to be crashing down all around him. He had nowhere else to go, what the hell was he meant to do?

"You heard me," his father snarled, "I don't want a faggot living under my roof" 

And just like that, Dan was homeless, only with a backpack with hastily thrown together clothes and only twenty pounds to his name. 

He had nowhere to go; he wasn't in a rush, so he headed to the park, the place that would be there for years to come, even if he wouldn't. 

*

"Hey Phil?" Dan whispered at the lump in the bed, which responded with a grunt at the sound of his name. 

"Nightmare?" He asked groggily, turning to face the man stood shaking next to his bed.

Dan nodded. 

"Do you want to sleep here tonight?" 

"Please." 

Dan just wanted someone to hold him, to ground him, to protect him from himself, and though that might be a lot to ask, it was a nice thought, so he slid under the covers next to Phil, both the duvet and the extra body next to him filling him with warmth so pleasant he wasn't sure he'd be able to get out of bed in the morning. 

But it hadn't just been a nightmare, he thought as he curled in on himself for comfort, it's what actually happened, and they're not memories he would be able to forget. 

He looked over to Phil again, who had managed to fall back to sleep with no trouble, completely oblivious to the torment in Dan's mind. Phil didn't need to know. 

Not yet, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this took so long to get to you because I actually changed the whole concept of this chapter after I'd written it. Thank you so much for your patience, though. 
> 
> And again, if you have any feedback or advice, it is greatly appreciated. Love you, and thank you for reading!


	13. Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bad day becomes even worse.

Dan didn't know how, but he'd somehow ended up flush against Phil's back, and though it would have been common sense to remove himself from this accidental contact, it was just too comfortable, and he was sure Phil wasn't awake yet to mind. He had to get ready for work soon, but that seemed unimportant right now, as he was enveloped in warmth next to his best friend, whose back was raising and lowering steadily along with his breathing. 

"Is he your boyfriend?" Tyler's voice found its way into Dan's head, and he could almost hear the mischievous smirk lighting up his co-worker's face. He sighed quietly; he was confused, and even if he were to have some sort of feelings for Phil, his chances were slim to none and he was kidding himself if he dared to hope otherwise.

What was the point in getting his hopes up if he was ultimately going to get rejected? 

As if on cue, the man next to him began stretching, forcing Dan to roll over onto his back as if he hadn't been way too close to him the whole time. 

"Mornin'" Phil mumbled, rolling to his other side to face Dan, his usually perfect fringe now messed up in a quiff on top of his head, which actually suited him rather well.

"Morning" Dan replied, but he couldn't take his eyes off the light stubble on Phil's lower face, having sudden urge to touch it, "nice sleep?" 

Phil yawned, though he took care not to blow his morning breath into Dan's face, "it was great! You?" He froze suddenly at his own question, "sorry, stupid question."

There was a brief silence, the two men remembering Dan's disturbance the night before.

"You want to talk about it?" 

Dan should have expected this question to come up sooner rather than later, and though he'd opened up about everything else, this was one thing that he didn't want to tell anyone. It was quite selfish, in a way, considering Phil had opened up about his own problems, and frankly, it was an insult to his trust.

But what happened to him... It's not something he could just disclose at the drop of a hat. If anything, he wanted to forget it ever happened. Sure, that tactic wasn't the most effective, but it hadn't taken a huge toll on his mental health as of late. 

"It was nothing." Phil didn't look convinced, his eyes searching Dan's in the vain hope that he'd find all his answers, but he couldn't have found anything, for a moment later, he nodded, throwing the duvet away from their bodies, exposing them to the cool air of the room. 

"Fuck it's cold!" Dan hissed, curling in on himself for extra warmth; he'd only been wearing his boxers and a thin t-shirt. He could have sworn he saw Phil staring at him out of the corner of his eye, but as soon as that thought emerged, Phil heaved himself up and went to the bathroom, and soon enough, Dan could hear the running water of the shower. 

Instead of getting out of bed like he should have, given that he only had an hour until he had to leave the apartment, he layed amongst the mess of sheets, hoping he could somehow get sucked into another universe, where he wouldn't have so many things on his mind. 

They say a problem shared is a problem halved, but he couldn't understand that logic himself; it just meant he would drag the other person down. He'd learned better than to do that. 

"You gonna get ready?" Phil's voice could only just be heard from the bathroom over the shower. It was obvious Phil cared quite a bit about him despite having only lived together for a few months, but this kind of stuff? That was just too much to handle this early on. In Dan's eyes, anyway.

"Yeah." Dan shouted back, heading back to his own room, dampening his mood even more.  While Phil's room was filled with various knick knacks, practically overflowing with personality, Dan's was still bare and isolated, just like the person who lived in it. Dan sighed, retrieving his plain black button up and trousers. Tyler had mentioned that Anne really didn't mind what they wore to work, but somehow, Dan didn't think she'd let him turn up in his pyjamas.  

After that, though, he didn't know what to do with himself; if he'd had more motivation, he would have been able to have a shower after Phil, which would have passed the time, but obviously he hadn't, so he was simply sat in the living room, surrounded by these bright decorations, but he didn't fit in at all. He was like the single thorn in a rose bush, like the shard of glass in an otherwise clean beach. He was going to be the one to dim Phil's light, whether he liked it or not. 

"Hey Phil?" Dan called out, the other man rushing out of the bathroom with a towel hanging around his waist. In any other state of mind, Dan would have taken a moment to stare for dear too long, but he had to get out of the apartment, "I'm going to leave now, if that's okay? I have a lot of work to do?" 

Phil watched him with a quiet curiosity swimming in his eyes, "are you okay, Dan?" 

"Yeah," It was worrying how quickly the lie tumbled out of him mouth; he'd found himself saying it too often during his lifetime, "I just want to get there early today." 

"If you want to, I'm not stopping you." He smiled, a pointless attempt at hiding his confusion as well as what looked like... Disappointment? 

But Dan didn't say anything as he left the apartment, only with a quick mumble of goodbye while Phil watched him sadly.

*

After he'd got dressed, Phil could do nothing more than ponder his friend's behaviour that morning. Anyone else would put it down to being tired, but Phil knew better. The nightmare he had last night must have really shaken him; that, or he was having a bad day. 

It was like Dan had been replaced by a ghost; he hadn't talked much that morning, hadn't had anything for breakfast, hadn't taken time to shower, simply getting dressed and leaving. Surely that was enough to suggest he wasn't okay?

He felt like a bad friend; even back in his own lowest moments, all he wanted was someone to help him, someone to tell him he wasn't okay, and that was okay. But what had he done? He'd accepted Dan's monotonous answers without complaint when, if anything, they were his loudest cries for help. 

He reached for his phone, which had been forgotten all morning, quickly typing out a message he hoped Dan would see before he started work.

To Dan 8:24am

I'm here if you ever want to talk 

*

Dan was slouched in his normal seat on the way home after a long day of work. Tyler had stopped bugging him about Phil, and there had been just enough work for him to distract himself from everything else. 

He'd received a text from Phil that morning, and he thought it odd at first, given that not too much time had passed since he'd left, but he opened it all the same, curious.

What he was met with was a short, but meaningful message:

I'm here if you ever want to talk

He'd stared at his phone for a good two minutes in shock; no one had ever said anything like that to him before, and the feeling of being cared about was so comforting that he had to stop himself from crying right then and there on the bus, not that there were many people to witness it. He hadn't replied, and thinking back, maybe he should have, if only to say something as simple as "okay" just so Phil knew he wasn't being rejected. 

But here he was again, staring out of the fogged up window as the bus came to a halt at one of its usual stops, albeit one they usually drove right past. A tall man stepped on, flashing a bus pass before turning to walk down the aisle. His hood was up, but something about the way he walked was familiar, like he knew it from somewhere else. The man took the seat a few rows behind him, but he could feel the stranger's eyes burning into the back of his head. 

*

As Dan got off at his usual stop, he heard someone else do the same, which was strange; he was usually the only person on this bus who got off in this area, but it was none of his business, so he set off home, where Phil would be waiting for him; where he would apologize for his behaviour that morning. 

He could hear the same person behind him, but they were far enough away from him to be considered socially acceptable, though the worst case scenario still made itself known in his mind. What if it was the hooded man on the bus? He had been staring at him the whole journey, he knew it, what if he was going to die tonight?

Panic coursed through his veins as he walked with a newfound burst of speed, but the footsteps behind him did the same.

Okay, he was being followed, it wasn't just coincidence, but what could he do? He couldn't just change course now! He was right outside his apartment building now. He was leading the guy exactly where he lived! But with nowhere else to go, he walked up the stairs, deciding the risk of taking the lift was astronomical and just asking for trouble, and when he eventually reached the top, keys already in hand, he was pushed back against the wall, and sure enough, the same man from the bus was towering over him. 

But it didn't take more than a second for Dan to recognise him; it was impossible to forget the face that had ruined his life. 

Dan tried to cry out, but his throat was dry and his voice was so quiet all he could let out was a quiet whimper,

"Chris..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there's a cliffhanger for you to dwell on for another week until I get my shit together and update! Hope you enjoy! I'm really appreciative of all these hits, kudos, comments and bookmarks, they make me UwU love you, frens and again, I love recieving feedback!


	14. Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A turning point in Dan and Phil's friendship.

Dan was utterly powerless, yet again, and it didn't take too long until he finally succumbed to obedience, for what was the point of fighting a battle that was already lost? 

"Good job I found you," Chris' voice was low, seeping into Dan's ears like poison, "didn't want you getting away."

But what would have surely been a well rehearsed victory speech was quickly interrupted by the front door opening, revealing none other than Phil himself, staring at the two men in shock. 

"Chris? Dan?" He looked between them, utterly confused, before stepped between them, pushing Chris away by the shoulders, now void of the emotion.

"Hey Phil!" Chris put on an obnoxiously fake smile, going in for a hug, but Phil pushed him away again, giving him a stony glare, only that's what it seemed like from where Dan stood, simply watching from behind Phil's shoulder. 

"What were you doing to him?" Phil's voice was low and level, but it wavered slightly as he stood his ground.

"Just saying hello to an old friend." 

But Phil didn't seem convinced; Dan could almost see the muscles in the older man's back tense as he took a step forward.

"It didn't look like that from where I was standing," he growled lowly, "if you have no further business here, could you please leave?" 

It was Chris' turn to be shocked, obviously not used to being told "no", but Phil stood his ground, letting him know he'd stay there all night if that's how long it took. 

"Whatever," Chris huffed, turning to leave, "I thought we were friends." The two men watched him leave, their breath trapped in their lungs, as if scared he'd come back if they dared move. 

Once they were sure he wasn't coming back, Phil turned to Dan, his shoulders now relaxed slightly, "what was that?" But Dan didn't know how to respond; he couldn't give all the gory details, but maybe it would be easier to get it out now? But the more he worked himself up to just tell the truth, the words got caught in his throat, until he changed his answer altogether 

"He followed me back here. We used to be friends, but I don't know why he followed me." 

It wasn't a lie. 

Phil raised his eyebrows, "so you know him?" 

"I'm guessing you do, too?" It had finally sunk in now that the moment had passed, that Phil knew Chris' name, and that he had been referred to as his friend. This couldn't be a good thing at all; what if Dan were to say something against Chris? Whose side would Phil take? 

"Not very well," he admitted, "I never liked him very much, but he used to hang around with me at school." If that was the case, maybe he had a bit of hope?

But Dan didn't know what to make of this; it was a scary situation, to say the least, and he wanted to know more about how Chris knew him before Phil carried on.

"I know what he's like." 

"What?" 

"I know he can get, um, violent," he sighed quietly, "I'm just sorry you had to be on the sharp end of it." 

So not only did Phil know Chris, but he also knew what he was like? Everything seemed a little too convenient to be considered a coincidence. 

Phil stepped forward suddenly, trapping Dan in a tight hug, his mouth hovering besides his ear, "I'm just glad I came out when I did." Dan melted into the older man's warm hold; he was safe for now. He had Phil.

*

A threshold seemed to have been stepped over in which both men were more comfortable showing affection, whether it be by hugging or simply sitting closer to each other than they usually would. Phil had suggested ordering a pizza and watching a movie, so they did, hoping this would distract them from the events of that evening. 

Unsurprisingly, Dan couldn't focus on anything, simply letting his pizza go cold as he thought back to those cold emotionless eyes, those arms holding him to the wall like nails, the look he got as if to say "this isn't the end" and he knew. He knew that wasn't the end. Not by a long shot. 

"Dan?" Phil had slid over to other side of the sofa, draping an arm over Dan's shoulder as a symbol of affection and safety, as if the gesture would save him from his own mind. But it did help, making his thoughts quieten, even a little as he burrowed into Phil's chest, sighing as he relaxed. 

"You still thinking about him?" Dan just nodded.

"He didn't do anything to you, did he?" 

In theory, the easiest solution would be to just tell him how exactly he knew Chris, and though he had his apprehensions, Phil had proved over and over that he could be trusted. 

"Did he?" The silence must have been enough for Phil to assume the worst, as his grip around Dan had become tighter, his voice rising an octave.

Dan took a deep breath, turning to face Phil head on; he needed to do this properly. 

"Not out there, no." 

"What do you mean not out there?" Phil's eyes were wide, shining with tears he was refusing to let fall.

"The night you found me," Dan's voice shook ever so slightly, "my dad found out I'd been with Chris. He saw a hickie on my neck, but it wasn't consensual." 

"No..." Phil whispered, anger rising in his voice like he knew where this was going.

"But that's not everything." Dan looked up from his lap, where he'd been fiddling with his shirt absently, to stare directly into Phil's almost innapropriately calming blue eyes, "he raped me, Phil."

*

Dan told him every last thing as Phil listened, speechless, and once the story was over, Phil pulled him in for a hug so tight he wasn't sure how he was still able to breathe. 

"I'll fucking kill him." Phil growled into his ear, squeezing tightly around his waist.

And suddenly, like it was the only thing that could possibly keep his sanity, Phil kissed Dan quickly on the lips. Dan didn't have much time to process this before Phil pulled away just as fast, anger now replaced by fear, like a deer caught in headlights. 

"I'm so sorry!" Phil said, tears now falling down his face, "you've just gone through hell and back and now I'm treating you just like he did..." Phil looked like he was ready to get up and leave the room before Dan pulled him down again, careful not to use too much force, for he knew deep down, Phil didn't really want to leave. 

"You're nothing like him," if there was one thing he was sure of, it was this; Phil had shown nothing but the purest form of kindness, but the one thing he wasn't so sure about was that kiss. Sure, it was nice, but were either of them in the right mental state to mean it? Maybe it was a genuine mistake on Phil's part? Or maybe he actually meant it but chose the wrong moment? Either way, maybe it would be best to carry on as if it never happened? 

"You're the kindest, most considerate person I know. I just... I just don't think I want..." Dan didn't need to carry on, Phil already knew, simply smiling sadly as he finally stood, ruffling Dan's curls quickly, but Dan couldn't find it in himself to tell him to leave his hair alone. 

"I know," Phil's voice was small, like he was afraid of saying the wrong thing, "I'll see you in the morning."

Dan watched him leave, and if emptiness was an emotion, that was surely what his heart was filled with.

*

Phil went to sleep that night, Dan not in his bed next to him, but instead in his mind, fearing that he had lost one of the best friendships he'd ever had.

Dan didn't go to sleep at all that night, the exact same things on his own mind, except Phil was the only friend he'd ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol my writing's getting worse BUT I'm invested in my own character's story, this is great. I'm now on my Christmas holiday, so MAYBE expect more updates idk don't hold me to that


	15. Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything changes.

Dan hadn't slept at all that night, far too anxious worrying about what the next day would hold to even think about it, instead hiding himself under his covers to scroll through Tumblr, hoping it could distract him from his problems. It didn't work. 

His thoughts kept drifting back to Phil, who Dan wished was laying next to him, but given the circumstances, that was damn near impossible. He wanted Phil to hold him close again, like he actually held some form of importance, like maybe he was loved, after all, but instead, they were separated by a wall; both physical and metaphorical.

His heart was heavy, cheeks damp from tears he didn't know he'd let fall, but he couldn't bring himself to care. A part of him dared hope Phil initiated the kiss because there were genuine feelings involved, but Dan knew he was unloveable; Phil felt sorry for him. That was the only solution he could think of that was somewhat believable.

It was still too early to think about leaving for work, but he could still busy himself with getting ready, as slowly as he could, of course.

So he walked to the bathroom, pausing as he reached Phil's door, considering opening it if only to check in on him, but something held him back. Instead, he got to the bathroom, closing the door behind him, undressing and getting into the shower. 

He wasn't in a rush, he just let the hot water fall down his body, making no effort to clean himself. If anything, he wanted to pass the time, though he knew he'd be too lost in thought to notice if an hour had passed, or a few minutes. 

He heard Phil's footsteps across the hall, and he wanted to shout out a good morning like he usually did, but his voice didn't seem to work, instead letting out a feeble croak. 

It was all well and good trying to pretend last night never happened, but what good was that when he couldn't stop thinking about it? 

And Chris! He knew where he lived now! What was stopping him from breaking in? It hadn't occurred to Dan what danger this posed until just now; last night, he was a bit distracted by his best friend fucking kissing him. 

He was a mess, there was no denying that as he stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist and going back to his room. 

"Good morning!" He heard from the living room, but looking down at his exposed body, he didn't think it would be appropriate to go and see him right now, though the same thing had happened many times before.

"Morning!" He decided to reply in an equally loud voice, and he thought maybe he could keep this up if he carried on pretending. He'd been pretending all his life, he should be used to it by now. 

*

"What you doing?" Dan put on a smile as he entered the living room, Phil lounging on the sofa, laptop resting on his thighs, but moving his feet so Dan could sit.

"Editing a video." Phil always gave monotonous answers while deep in concentration, and though it was a regular occurrence, given the circumstances, Dan couldn't help but think that maybe last night had put him in a bad mood. His eyes lingered on Phil's form for a moment before standing up again.

"Leaving already?" Phil asked, surprised, pushing his laptop onto the cushion besides him. 

"Yeah, I've uh, got a lot of work to do." Phil followed him out to the front door, watching him put his shoes and jacket on, face contorting with varying degrees of reluctance before finally finding his voice. 

"Look, about last night-" 

"We can talk about it when I get back," Dan interrupted, though his mouth had acted before his mind had had the chance to think it through, "I need to go." Phil just nodded, falling silent as he opened the door, watching Dan leave with a heavy heart. 

*

"Dan?" Tyler sat himself on Dan's desk as he usually did in the morning, though he had a slight air of confusion about him, "why are you in so early?" Dan only looked up for a second to give a small smile of acknowledgement before turning back to the computer screen, typing out words that really held no importance to him. 

"Are you okay?" Tyler's usually bright demeanor had slipped away, revealing a more gentle side that Dan hadn't yet had the opportunity to see. In most situations like this, he'd shrug it off, say he was just tired or something, but the past few months with Phil had taught him a valuable lesson. It's easier to share problems than to keep them to yourself, no matter how difficult it might be. 

"It's Phil," Dan sighed, pushing his chair away from the desk, spinning slowly, "he kissed me last night." 

There was a long silence; he half expected Tyler to start teasing him, but he must have seen that Dan was not in the right state of mind to go with it.

"Is that not a good thing?" He asked finally.

"In theory," Dan spun to face Tyler, "but neither of us were in the right state of mind. Something happened and we were both very upset about it, then we hugged, which would have been fine on its own, but then he kissed me." He didn't elaborate on what exactly had happened leading up to this moment; telling Tyler was unnecessary. 

"Do you like him in that way?" 

"Well," his mind went back to that moment, the softness of Phil's lips against his, Phil's gentle grip around his waist, it was something he wanted more than anything. Maybe he was allowed to fall in love. Phil was the most important person in his life. He loved him, even if he feared Phil might not feel the same,"I do." 

Dan smiled suddenly, as if just thinking about Phil in this way was enough to bring his spirits back up.

"Girl, you've gotta go tell him that yourself!" Tyler laughed, "go home now! I'll tell Anne you felt sick or something! Go!" 

Dan couldn't help himself, he just hugged Tyler tightly, trying to get his gratitude across I'm a single gesture before practically running out of the office, laughing at how cliché this was, like something right out of a rom com. 

*

Dan.

That was all Phil could think about as he sat editing the video he really didn't have any interest in; he was only really doing it for the fans at this point.

With every jumpcut he made, it was like a piece of his heart was being whittled away, and the only thing that could make it whole again was the man that had walked out of that door only three hours ago. 

He laughed humourlessly at himself; if this was what being in love was like, he wanted no part in it. It was stupid keeping hold of these feelings; it was obvious that Dan didn't want anything more than friendship. It was selfish of him to even consider taking advantage of him at his lowest. 

But before his mind could delve any deeper, he heard the familiar sound of a key in the lock, a sound he had come to associate with Dan coming back home. It was far too early for that, right? Looking down at his watch, he noticed it was only just gone half ten, but Dan was the only other person with a key to the apartment. He stood up with shaky legs, carrying himself to the hallway, where Dan stood, door still open, now running towards him at a high speed. 

Before he could process anything, Dan had thrown himself into his open arms, kissing him passionately on the lips and oh this seemed very much like something out of a crappy rom com film but for some reason that just didn't matter to Phil as he lost himself in the embrace. It was like the world that had seemed so bleak this morning had suddenly been injected with colours he didn't know existed. 

Dan pulled back ever so slightly, arms still looped around the other man's neck, noses millimeters apart. 

"A bit dramatic, that." Phil laughed quietly.

"Sorry," Dan replied, though there wasn't a part of him that felt sorry at all, "I just needed to come back as soon as I could." 

Phil leaned back into him, Dan's face now pressed into the his neck; this had happened so quickly he didn't know what was happening, all he knew was that he felt a deep affection for the man in his arms that he might venture to refer to as love, as strange as the concept was to him. 

"Did you walk out of work for me?" 

"Yup!" Dan beamed, "but don't worry, Tyler's covering for me." 

Phil slipped his hand into Dan's leading him gently towards the living room. They had to talk through things properly instead of getting too ahead of themselves. Honestly, Dan was the person he felt most comfortable with, the person he felt he could share anything with, and he really enjoyed kissing him, but at the same time, Dan's mental well-being was his top priority. He had to make sure this was what both of them wanted. 

"I know you probably want to talk," Dan said, sitting cross legged facing Phil, who was doing the same. As much as he wanted to snuggle into Phil's side and fall asleep, he knew there was still a lot to say, "and I did say we'd talk when I got home." 

Phil sighed, unable to keep himself from reaching for Dan's hands, stroking them gently with his thumb, "what happened?" 

"I took time to myself to think things over," Dan said without missing a beat; he must have rehearsed his answer while on the bus, "and I realised that I'm allowed to feel this way for you. You won't hurt me. You've proved that over and over." 

Phil was truly touched by how much Dan trusted him; it had occurred to him that a person like Dan might not trust easily, but Phil must have treated him just right to get to this point. It looked like Dan really was sure about this, at least, he hadn't said anything against it at all. 

"I'm glad you feel that way," Phil said, lifting Dan's hands up to his lips to kiss them lightly as Dan blushed a pale shade of red, "because I feel the same." Dan let out a small squeak as he leaned forward to capture Phil's lips in his, catching Phil off guard and sending him falling on his back, Dan in close suit. After that, the two men just cuddled, giving each other the occasional peck on the lips just because they could, finding pleasure simply being in each other's company. 

For the first time in a while, Dan felt truly content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that wasn't too much cheese for you lol I wanted to embrace it after keeping them apart for so long, let me have this! I'm really fond of this story, and I hope you're liking it? 
> 
> Thank you so much for the kudos, hits, bookmarks and all your lovely comments! They make my day! :)))


	16. Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get even worse

Chris stared out of his living room window overlooking the busy city roads, phone held to his ear while his free hand fiddled with the loose thread in his jeans. 

"I don't know, man," the voice on the other end was uncertain, "I think you need to let Dan go. It's obvious he's not into you." 

"Come on, Peej!" Chris half shouted, falling back in his seat, "what happened to helping a friend out?" The line was silent for a moment.

"Phil is my friend. Dan is Phil's friend. I'm not going to interfere with that." PJ's breathing grew heavy, "this is your problem, not mine. Don't drag me into this." And just like that, the line went silent. 

Chris sighed, throwing his phone onto the coffee table; this was only a minor setback. 

*

"Morning, beautiful." Phil smiled down at Dan, who had managed to fall asleep on his chest as if it were a mattress.

"How cheesy can you get?" Dan grumbled, but still pushed himself up enough to kiss Phil lightly on the lips before standing up on solid ground. Dan noticed that they hadn't left the sofa at all last night, but that was okay; what was the point of moving if they had to leave a perfectly comfortable position? 

"Do you have to go to work today?" Phil whined almost childishly as he propped himself up on his elbows with a quiet grunt. Dan smiled, wishing with every ounce of his being that he could, but how else was he to make money? Phil had mentioned a couple of times before that he wasn't exactly struggling financially, not in a boastful way, more like one of his original attempts to dissuade Dan from getting a job in the first place, but Dan still had a part of him, however small, that wanted to prove himself, show that he  wasn't entirely useless. 

"I do..." He settled on finally, pulling yesterday's shirt over his head; no one would notice, and it was even less likely that anyone would care. Phil must have decided that there was no point fighting a losing battle, as not a moment later, he let himself fall down onto the mattress again, a dreamy look filling up his eyes. 

"What you thinking about?" Dan prompted as he got dressed.

"I'm in the mood to film a video today, but I don't know what," Phil sighed, rolling onto his side so he could see Dan comfortably without having to get up, "I actually want to film one with you again." He said the last bit quietly, so quiet Dan might have missed it if he weren't listening properly. 

"What about a q and a?" Dan said finally after a brief silence, "if I'm going to appear on your channel a lot, your audience will want to get to know me, right?" Phil thought for less than two seconds before nodding wildly, sitting up to hug Dan from behind, arms hooked around his waist.

"Daniel Howell! You're a genius!" He couldn't see from where he was sitting, but he could tell Dan was blushing from the way his head seemed to look downwards like it did every time he was given the slightest bit of attention. 

"Can you wait until I get home, then?" Phil could hear the shameless smile in his voice, but as soon as it came about, he tensed, turning around quickly, the top few buttons of his shirt still undone. 

"Oh wait," Dan's voice was low, croaky and alarm bells rang in Phil's head.

"What? Dan, what's the matter?" It was frightening him how quickly Dan's mood seemed to have changed, something must have triggered it. 

"Chris." Dan spoke finally, eyes wide, fists clenched, and the way his chest rose and fell rapidly was unmissable. 

"Don't think about him, Dan." Phil stood up, hugging him tightly, but Dan couldn't move. 

"What if he follows me home again?" 

"Oh." 

It was a difficult situation, but if anything, he wanted to find Chris and kill him, however harsh that may be. Chris had broken Dan, there was no avoiding this, and for that, Phil could never forgive him. 

"I'm going to meet you after work every day now, okay?" Phil had left no room for arguments, not that it seemed Dan would do so, as he relaxed, if only a little, further into Phil's arms. 

"I'd like that a lot." And just like that, Dan was almost late catching the bus, too caught up in the embrace. 

*

"So how did it go?" Tyler asked, caution the only emotion audible in his voice; he may be prone to relentless teasing, but he knew when the situation called for it. At first, he feared it didn't go well at all, considering his colleague had entered the office space without as much as a fleeting glance, face unreadable. Upon hearing the question, however, the corners of Dan's lips shot up, a smile forming, one that Tyler had never seen him do before. Granted, they hadn't known each other for the longest time, but long enough that Tyler had grown fond of him. He was a good friend, able to listen to his constant ramblings, however unimportant they may be. He was patient, he had a good sense of humour, he was a genuine person who deserved every ounce of happiness life could offer. 

"I guess we're together now." Tyler squealed suddenly, drowning out Dan's quiet voice.

"Details!" 

Work seemed irrelevant now as Dan recounted the previous evening, how he rushed back home only to barrel straight into Phil's arms. He recounted the kiss, earning further squeals not unlike that of a pigeon, but Dan could only smile for so long before his mind drifted back to Chris. 

Chris knew roughly when he finished work, and even worse, knew where he lived. And the one thing that was even worse than both of those things put together: he had the motive to hurt Dan again. 

"Dan?" 

All this stuff going on was sure to make itself known on his face at some point, evident by the concerned look his colleague was giving him at this very moment.

"Everything's okay, right?" 

"Yeah, I was, uh, just thinking about seeing him tonight, because he's meeting me after work. I was just, um, worrying about where we'll meet?" He rambled, mentally slapping himself because jeez that didn't sound suspicious at all, did it? But Tyler just nodded, either buying the blatant lie, or too polite to press any further. 

*

Most people at work usually want time to go by fast so they can go home, but Dan was the complete opposite, watching the clock tick by, but it only seemed to speed up. Anxiety was building up in his head, but there wasn't anything he could do; on one hand, there was no point worrying about something he was physically unable to change, but on the other hand, how the fuck was he not supposed to worry about this?

He said his goodbyes to Tyler and PJ- who he had been talking to more, rather than sharing a brief nod in passing- and set off outside, with each step, his legs becoming increasingly shaky. He pushed the main door open, eyes scanning the front courtyard wildly, spotting none other than Phil, smiling encouragingly at him from where he stood. 

With one more quick glance around the area, he walked over to Phil with haste, finding himself in Phil's outstretched arms. 

"Straight home?" Phil asked quietly.

"Straight home." A light kiss was planted on Dan's cheek before they set off towards the bus stop and getting straight on, choosing seats right at the back so they could see everyone. Phil had laced their hands together between their legs on the seat, so it was obvious what they were doing, but their hands weren't clearly visible. It was exhilarating, being able to do that one simple thing without being judged, though he couldn't be sure if they were being judged or not, for no one else on the bus had said a word. If his dad saw something like this, Dan knew how angry he would get. 

As nice as it was having Phil next to him, it didn't stop the anxiety from creeping up on him, reaching its peak by the time the bus reached the stop in which Chris had boarded that night, but the only person who got on was an old woman. 

Dan slumped back into his seat; maybe this nightmare was finally over. Maybe his past would leave him alone. He rested his head on Phil's shoulder, whispering to him that it was okay now, and though Phil seemed to relax, if only a little. 

They reached their stop, setting foot onto the pavement, both men scanning the area just in case before deciding it was safe to go home. 

"Thank you." Dan finally said into the silence.

"What for?" 

"For this! Being there for me." 

Phil smiled, throwing an arm over Dan's shoulder as they entered the apartment building and into the empty lift, "I'll always be there for you. You know that, right?" Honestly, Dan already knew Phil would always be there for him, but it filled him with extreme elation to hear the words come out of the other man's mouth without being prompted. As happily as he could, given the circumstances, he attached himself to Phil's side, his arms fitting around the other man's waist comfortably, like it was meant to be there. 

Dan's worry was as good as gone until they finally reached their front door. 

Phil went to put his key in the lock, but the door drifted open on it's own. Neither man said a word, Phil just gesturing for Dan to stay back, but he took no notice, following Phil straight into the apartment. If the door wasn't a huge warning sign, the lack of light was just as alarming; he left the lights on when he went to meet Dan. Upon switching the lights on again, everything seemed normal, but Phil didn't want to let his guard down yet. 

He grabbed Dan's hand in his as he moved into Dan's room.

The drawers were all open, one was even dangerously close from falling out altogether. Various drawer contents were strewn about the floor, but for the life of him, Dan couldn't think of anything of value that was worth stealing. 

Phil's grip grew tighter around Dan's hand as he was dragged to Phil's bedroom. 

The window was thrown open, but that didn't make sense; they were quite high up and the front door had been open. Again, the drawers were open, clothes littering the floor, potted plants knocked over. 

But there was one thing that stood out amongst the chaos: a piece of paper. It looked like it had been ripped straight out of an a4 notebook with eerily nearly handwriting adorning the surface:

You can't get rid of me ;)   
C xxx

As soon as he picked the paper up and read the words, Dan dropped it, hands shaking wildly, no, everything shaking wildly, uncontrollably. Phil leaned over to read it, eyes going wide before standing up again to hold Dan tightly, pulling him down to the bed where they hugged furiously. 

Dan didn't know what to do; he was numb but could still feel every emotion at once coursing through his veins. Tears were streaming out of his eyes, but he didn't make a sound, silently sobbing into Phil's shoulder.

Phil, on the other hand, could feel nothing but pure hatred towards the person who had done this to his Dan. There was nothing he wanted more than to find Chris, to hurt him, to make him pay for what he had done. But for a twisted moment, he was happy; Chris had left proof of his break-in. It was quite pathetic, actually, for him to think he would get away with it. 

"We need to go to the police," Phil hissed into Dan's ear as he cried, "we could get him sent away for a long time." 

But Dan couldn't respond, maybe he couldn't hear, either, for he was too busy trapped in his own head. It had been this way for years, but now he was trapped in his own home, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the late update! I said I'd be more frequent but obviously that's not the case lol I just sometimes don't feel like writing. Thank you for being so patient and than you for reading


	17. Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is at his worst and he's sure he'll never be happy again.

"I'm quitting my job." 

Phil looked up from his computer, confused, to see Dan standing a few inches away from him, his stance firm and confident, though his face said the complete opposite. 

"You're what?" 

"You heard. I'm quitting my job."

"But why?" Dan bit his lip, setting himself down next to Phil. They hadn't gone to bed, the events of the evening had kept them from doing so. They had called the police, but they hadn't arrived yet, so they were sat in silence, just waiting. 

"I need to be here." Was all he said, snuggling into Phil's side, but Phil could feel how tense he was besides him. 

"What about Tyler?" 

"What about him?" 

"Won't you want to keep in touch with him?" 

Dan suddenly felt awful for forgetting that detail; Tyler had been one of the most supportive people in his life, next to Phil, and he was just going to let that go? 

"I'll exchange numbers with him." He answered, a lot less emotion in his voice than he expected. 

Phil didn't know what to say; Dan had obviously made his mind up, and Phil couldn't really tell him otherwise anyway. 

*

Two policemen arrived, picking away at the items in the apartment. They took more interest in the note, and as expected, they were going to want to question Dan and Phil. 

"Do you know who could have written this?" The first policemen said, notebook in hand. Dan took a deep breath, Phil's hand rubbing his back encouragingly; he had to tell them everything. 

"His name's Chris Kendall," he started, wincing at the name, "he did something to me a while back, something bad, and I thought it was all over until now." He didn't want to go any further, to tell the story all over again, all he wanted was to go to sleep and never wake up. 

"Sir," the man looked more sympathetic now, lowering the notebook a little, "could you tell me what he did to you?" Dan glanced over to phil, who was now holding him around his shoulder comfortingly.

"He..." Dan started, the words getting stuck in his throat. Why were they so difficult to say? This thing happened to him, and he wanted justice. He wanted Chris to hurt. He wanted Chris to feel what he felt. 

"He raped me." 

*

Dan had to go to the police station to make a statement. Phil refused to leave his side, but even the constant presence next to him could calm him down. He knew he had a good case; the apartment should be covered in Chris's DNA, and Chris had an obvious motive, but there was that little voice in the back of his head telling him Chris would walk free after all of this and terrorise him even more than before. With all these emotions building up inside him, Dan did the thing he was best at: crying. He cried hot tears, not caring that he was in a busy corridor. Phil hugged him tightly but it didn't do much; it didn't change the situation at all. He still had to make a statement, he still had to face up to what happened to him, and in the worst case, he'd still have to go to court. 

"Is there anything I can say to make this better?" Phil whispered into his ear as he sobbed.

"Just tell me everything will be okay!" Dan cried, his voice sounding broken and tired and empty all at the same time, "please, I just want everything to be okay." 

"Oh Dan," Phil held on even tighter, his own eyes tingling with unfallen tears, "everything will be okay." 

Phil knew it was bad to make promises he couldn't keep, but sometimes, that's the only thing you can do to calm someone down, even for a little bit. It was like the calm before the storm. 

*

The apartment that was once full of life was now dull and grey, the colours seemed unsaturated, it was like Dan's only safe haven had been taken away from him. This was his home. But before that, it was only Phil's home. His mind went numb as he realised if Phil had never found him, this wouldn't have happened at all. He would have been dead, Chris wouldn't have found him, he wouldn't have broken into Phil's apartment. This was all his fault. 

"I'm so sorry." Was the only think Dan could get out before going to his room, now tainted by Chris's touch. He heard Phil call after him but he didn't stop, shutting the door behind him and sitting on the edge of the mattress only to cry again. These tears weren't as loud as they had been before, last time the tears had been brought on by fear and anger, this time, he could feel nothing but sadness filling up every part of him, filling up his brain so he was sure he'd never be able to feel anything remotely happy again. 

There was a quiet knock at the door. He knew who it was, but he didn't feel like letting them in. All he wanted was to go to sleep and never wake up. 

*

He woke up, which was quite disappointing, but he didn't want to get up. What was the point? He was meant to go to work today, but he just couldn't. He couldn't face Tyler asking him why he was so sad, he couldn't face the journey back home even if Phil was there to take care of him. He couldn't face anything. 

He felt that familiar urge to act on these feelings, to hurt himself, but he promised himself years ago that he'd never touch a blade in that way again. But he still had one more option, one he hadn't felt the need to use in a while. He sat up decidedly, raising his hand before striking it across his face as hard as he could, but that wasn't enough. He did it again and again and again, raising his hand higher each time, ignoring the stinging in his cheek or the tears falling down his face like a waterfall; that didn't matter. He deserved this pain, and though it wasn't nearly enough pain, he wasn't about to go back on the promise he'd made to himself years ago. 

"Dan?" Phil opened the door, his eyes wide with worry, "what are you doing?" He rushed over to the bed, sitting down next to Dan, taking his hands and holding them tightly. 

"Your cheek is red" as if to illustrate the point, he stroked it lightly, but Dan refused to wince, as much as he wanted to. 

"Who did this to you?" His voice was quiet, like he knew the answer already but was too afraid to admit it. 

"Me." Dan said flatly, staring straight ahead, avoiding the blue eyes that could calm him down in an instant. He didn't want to be given the luxury of being calm. 

"Dan..." Another light touch to the face, "you shouldn't do that to yourself, you're beautiful, you're-" 

"Don't you get it?" Dan shouted, unwilling to let Phil shower him in unwarranted compliments, "this is all my fault!" Phil stared, shocked for a moment before going in for a hug, but Dan pushed him away, maybe a bit harder than he wanted. 

"If you hadn't found me that night, you wouldn't have let me stay, and Chris wouldn't have found me and he wouldn't have come here and made you feel unsafe in your own home and maybe I should have jumped before you could save me." He must have started crying again at some point, for his face was damp and warm from fresh tears but he couldn't bring himself to wipe them away. 

"Please don't say that," Phil said, fighting against Dan to hug him and hold him tight, "if anything this is all my fault." Dan sighed; Phil was not at fault at all, he just wanted to make Dan feel better. 

"I told him about you." 

Everything seemed to freeze. The tears didn't matter, neither did the arms around him.

"What?" 

"I..." Phil tensed, sitting up and away from him, eyes boring into his, though Dan's didn't quite meet, "he called, and I thought he just wanted to catch up, you know, seeing as we went to school together. I told him that I got a new roommate and he showed interest. I swear on my life I didn't know his intentions." 

Dan just sat, eyes glazed over, unable to respond. Phil was the reason for both his happiness and his sadness, there was no other way to describe it, but he knew Phil didn't mean for this to happen. Phil wouldn't hurt him like this. 

"Say something. Please." 

"I don't know what you want to hear, Phil," he finally lifted his head up to look Phil in the eye, but the blue couldn't calm him down this time, "I guess he fucked us both over." He laughed dryly. Phil didn't join in. 

"I'm not angry at you, just-"

"Shocked?" Phil finished, head hanging, and Dan could see tears fall onto the sheets under them. 

"I'm so sorry Dan." He said quietly, but Dan knew there was nothing he could say to take away the guilt, so instead opted to hug him, to stay there all day if he could. 

*

Chris was disturbed from his mid morning nap by a loud knock at the door. Strange, he wasn't expecting anyone. He heaved himself up from the sofa out to the hallway, opening the front door to see a man in a luminous green jacket emblazoned with the word 'police' on the chest. 

Anger flashed through his mind instead of the shock that would have been expected from anyone else in his position. Dan must have reported him. He didn't think Dan had the bottle, didn't think Dan would be able to face up to it, he thought Dan would be scared, sure, but he'd hoped Dan would be too scared to say anything. It must have had something to do with Phil. Phil was too kindhearted for his own good; that made itself clear when he willingly answered the phone after years of radio silence. 

"Chris Kendall, you are under arrest for breaking and entering as well as sexual assault. Anything you say will be later used in court." 

But Chris didn't need to say anything; there was no point, he thought, as the cold metal of handcuffs locked around his wrists and he was led away from his house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this made me sad to write, but it is necessary for the story. I hope you're enjoying this, and again, thank you all so much for the kudos and lovely comments; they genuinely motivate me to carry on <3


	18. Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan finally speaks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ rape examination/ evaluation

"ok," Phil paced around the living room, phone held against his ear while Dan watched; he didn't want to talk to the police himself. It would make everything too real. 

"Thank you." Phil hung up, putting the phone down on the table but didn't sit down. 

"So?" Dan prompted, picking at the skin on his fingers; an unhealthy habit, but he couldn't seem to help it. 

"Chris has been arrested," Phil said, looking out of the window for no reason other than for something to distract himself from the weight of the situation, "they'll call again when they have a court date." 

You would have thought Dan would feel better knowing Chris was detained, but that just meant he'd definitely have to face him in court eventually. 

"It'll be okay" 

Dan hoped he was right. 

*

The police had given Dan a number to call if he wanted to talk about the assault. His first reaction was to throw the card away, to forget about it, but Phil reasoned with him, telling him it might give him a better chance in court. That's what encouraged him to pick up the phone, card in hand, but typing in those numbers was far more difficult than he would have thought. He'd banished Phil out of his room until he had finished, but he thought this may have been a mistake; he wanted Phil to be there, even if he had to give out all the horrible details. But he'd done it now; there was no going back, so he sighed, tapping the numbers into the phone, finger hovering above the dial button before pressing it. There was no point in prolonging the inevitable. 

The phone rang for only five seconds before it was answered, a woman on the other end asking how she could help. Funny, she couldn't really help at all. 

"My name's Daniel Howell and I'm calling about... About a sexual assault." 

*

The woman who picked up the phone passed him on to a man who told him he was best off seeing him in person as soon as possible. Dan could hardly process this before being handed back to the first woman, who offered him an appointment for the next day. It wasn't until he hung up when he realised this was going too fast. It was going too fast after so long of nothing and he wasn't quite sure how he was meant to deal with it. 

Why did this have to happen now? He was happy as he was, with Phil, and now Chris had come and fucked it up, yet again, and there was nothing he could do about it. Usually, when he cried, it built up slowly, but this time, he skipped the quiet weepy stage altogether and went straight to loud sobbing and borderline howling. 

He fell on his back, hands covering his face, but he couldn't muffle the sounds; he couldn't control them. It was too much to handle, and the urge to hurt himself arose yet again, but before he could act on it, Phil opened the door, rushing to his side and laying down to hug him wordlessly. 

He couldn't carry on like this, having a mental breakdown every hour. He couldn't count on Phil to be there every time, either; it was unfair. It wasn't like Phil would complain, he was too nice to do that. 

All Dan wanted was to spend time with Phil without this thing constantly looming overhead, like a living nightmare. He wanted things to be back the way they were, before Chris fucked everything up. 

"I love you so fucking much, Dan." Dan froze upon hearing these words, but relaxed again in a matter of seconds. The strength with which Phil said it was enough to put Dan's mind at rest, for even a little bit. 

"I love you too." It wasn't a lie at all, in fact, it was the most genuine thing he had ever said. He could feel Phil smile against his neck, kissing it lightly as they embraced. Maybe he would be able to get through this with Phil by his side. 

*

"I want you to come with me," Dan said the next morning, eyes red from tears that had fallen a few minutes prior, "I need you with me." 

Phil didn't need to think about it before standing up to hug him tightly. "Of course." 

They left a few minutes later, Dan falling silent in the car; though there was no point in worrying over this, it didn't stop him from doing just that. Phil turned on some music that Dan would usually be singing along to in his loudest voice, but he just couldn't find it in himself to even hum along this time. 

The journey went by too soon, the car pulling into the unfamiliar car park of an unfamiliar building, the grip around his hand tight as they walked through the main doors, signing in at the reception to sit in the waiting room. The room was primarily white, the walls decorated with frankly patronising posters emblazoned with phrases like "it's not your fault" or "no means no". He didn't know what the point of having these posters was, because they didn't make him feel better, in fact they made him want to turn around and leave, but Phil's hand around his reminded him why he was there. 

They sat down, hands not once leaving each other, like it was the only thing keeping Dan grounded, keeping him aware of his surroundings. 

Phil squeezed as if reading his thoughts, and though the voices in his head dulled down a little, but by no means did they disappear. They were always there. They had been there for the last few weeks now and no matter what he did, they just wouldn't go away. 

"Do you want me to talk about stuff?" This was something else Phil had taken to doing recently; by "stuff" he meant anything he could think of that could possibly distract him, or maybe just to fill the silence. He did it whenever he felt Dan needed it. 

Dan nodded, and though he wanted more than anything to listen to Phil's beautiful voice, he knew he wouldn't be able to. 

"So one time a squirrel attacked me when I was on holiday in Florida right after I had taken a selfie with it and my parents found it absolutely hilarious but obviously I didn't because there were loads of people around and..." he let Phil carry on, the story in itself only provoking a small chuckle. He appreciated Phil for being so quick to do anything to make him more comfortable, but sometimes, his techniques just didn't work. It only felt like Phil's voice had been babbling on for a minute until his name was called out. Phil silenced instantly, waiting for Dan, who stood up on shaky legs, his heart beating faster and faster. 

The man who called his name wore a sympathetic smile, but it didn't help in the slightest; the last thing he wanted was pity. He'd rather die than be treated like he was weak. But maybe he was for letting this happen in the first place. 

"Hello, my name's Luke and I'm going to be carrying out your evaluation." He held open the door for Dan and Phil as they entered, taking the seats at the desk, Luke sitting down opposite. 

"So you're Daniel Howell?" Dan nodded, "and you are?" He asked Phil. 

"He's Phil, my boyfriend." Dan answered as clearly as he could despite how good breaking down in tears again sounded at that moment. 

"And you're okay with him being here?" 

"Yes. I need him." 

"Okay. I need to be sure of these things." Luke looked down at a stack of paper in front of him. Dan didn't want to think about what could possibly be written there about him. 

"So your assualt happened just over four months ago," Dan knew what was coming, "so it might be difficult to gather evidence, but I will do whatever I can, okay?" Luke spoke with confidence, but Dan couldn't help but think it was forced. 

"First I'm going to need you to tell me exactly what happened." This was the one thing Dan was fearing the most; having to relive that night. 

"I can leave if you want." Phil said quietly, giving his hand a quick squeeze. 

"No, please stay." 

Phil gave a small smile, but it was enough to give him the confidence he needed to start. So with a deep intake of breath, he began to recount the night that had haunted him for months.

*

After a lot of tears, Dan had said everything he needed to. Luke had been patient, never prompting him to carry on, and it was greatly appreciated for there were some things that he just didn't want to bring up again. 

He could've sworn he heard Phil crying next to him, but he couldn't be sure, as he wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. 

"So your dad saw you later that night after the assualt?" 

"Yes"

"Dan..." Luke glanced at his notes, "I know you and your dad aren't on good terms, but we might need him at court."

"What?" Dan couldn't believe this; months of not talking only to get in touch again because he got assualted? It didn't sit right with him at all. Knowing his luck, his dad would give the police false information. 

"He could tell us about your behaviour that night." Unfortunately, It made sense. A brief silence fell over the group before Luke spoke up again. 

"Did...did Chris use a condom?" 

It was something that had slipped his mind, so much so that it filled him with an overwhelming sense of dread upon realising that a condom had not, in fact, been used. He shook his head, but his mind was elsewhere; had he contracted an STD? He didn't know if Chris was clean or not. 

"And are you two," Luke gestured between him and Phil, "sexually active?" The question in itself would be enough to provoke extreme embarrassment in other circumstances, but he shook his head again. Now was not the time to let something as trivial as emotions get in the way. 

"I'm going to need to test you for STDs." Dan could only nod, his fears making themselves known as he began to shake, his eyes hot with tears. As much as he didn't want to cry again, he couldn't help it. Before he knew it, Phil was kneeling in front of him to hug him warmly. Phil was always there, and he had no doubt he always would be, but there were some things a hug just wouldn't help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for not updating sooner. I have no excuse, I just haven't been in the right mindset until now to write. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> That was part One of my latest book. I've already written about seven parts, so expect those up soon, but I want to keep it going for a while, so I hope you like it! Sorry it was a bit sad, it will get better.


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